The Unnamed Protagonist


Seattle, WA, December 20th, 1990. There was an evil pirate after me. The pirate’s crewmates shoot arrows at any person they’re targeting, in which arrows are being shot at me. I have to find a drainpipe to shoot cannon balls at the evil pirate and save myself. Currently, I’m in a meadow full of cows running from the pirate. The pirate’s boat is capable of sailing through the ground, much to my demise.

I accidentally knocked into a cow, tripping. Then, the evil pirate’s crewmates took the opportunity to hit me with arrows. I got an arrow right in the knee, it was painful. My knee started bleeding profusely. I had to use my sock to add pressure to the wound, otherwise I’d bleed to death. I then started hobbling away quickly. Luckily, I was still able to run after hobbling for a bit, regardless of my injury.

I soon found myself at a mushroom land. The mushrooms were completely green and the grown was purple. The environment reminded me of a zombie for some odd reason. I then started running through the mushrooms, kicking a few over in the process. I then watched as a big robot appeared out of thin air. The robot was blue with a red jetpack. I climbed into the robot and then started flying in it.

While I was flying in the air, the evil pirate’s crewmates started shooting arrows at the robot. The arrows hit the metal and only left small marks in the metal. But suddenly, a giant flaming arrow was shot. My robot was knocked out of the sky and fell right to the ground. My robot then caught on fire from the arrow. I had to retreat quickly.

I suddenly felt my body sinking through the ground. I then felt liquid envelop my body. I was now inside a body of water. I tried swimming but the water was so viscous. I then felt like my body was being swallowed whole.

Underwater, I walked around. It was hard to walk underwater as the water was as thick as molasses. I then saw the evil pirate struggling to sail his boat through the water. I laughed as the evil pirate grunted and growled at his ship. The evil pirate then immediately found my locations from my laughter sounds.

“Grr, so when I say up, you shoot them arrows up!” the pirate said.

“Rodger that.” replied the crewmates.

“When I say left, you shoot to the left.” the pirate said.

“Rodger that.” Replied the crewmates.

“When I say right, you shoot to the right.” the pirate said.

“Rodger that.” replied the crewmates.

“Right, right, left, left!” the pirate exclaimed.

Crewmates then started shooting arrows at me some more, but their shooting was more organized this time. I then tried my best to swim away but the water I was in was too thick to swim in. I was then given a shield from an angel that came flying by.

I grabbed the shield and started letting the arrows hit the shield.

“Up, up, left, right, up!” the pirate exclaimed.

The arrows went flying in my general direction, but I blocked them with the shield I was given. I then looked behind me only to find an island with a neon sign that says “XXL GIGA DRAIN”. I hurriedly moved towards the island, while blocking arrows with my new shield.

I’m now on the island. I looked around and noticed a giant temple, with train pipes attatched to the walls. I then walked up the temple’s stairs, getting a bit tired along the way. I then got to the top of the temple.

“How may I help you?” a green snake on a throne asked.

“Uhh, I’m looking for the XXL Giga Drain.” I replied.

“Very well, good choice my friend.” the green snake said as it slithered away.

I sat and waited for twenty minutes. I was watching arrows miss me left and right because the crewmates were shooting me from long range. I then watched as the green snake came slithering back in with a giant drainpipe.

“Here you go my friend.” the green snake said.

I then grabbed the XXL Giga Drain. The XXL Giga Drain was incredibly heavy, leaving me almost falling to the ground after grabbing it. I then held it up to the air and watched as it shot cannonballs at the evil pirate’s ship.

I watched as cannon balls hit the evil pirate’s pirate ship, crashing into the wood planks that built the boat and snapping them. The evil pirate then started screaming for help.

After the evil pirate started screaming for help, two seagulls came flying by. The seagulls tried to divebomb me with their beaks, but I shot them with the cannon ball before they could even get close to me. I then watched as the evil pirate’s ship sank into the viscous water.

Published Jan. 8th, 2022