The Unnamed Protagonist


Abuja, Nigeria, August 23rd, 2007. It was a particularly hot day. I was sweating like a hog. The sun was extremely bright, I had to wear sunglasses because of it. I was enjoying an ice cream, cotton candy-flavor, just the way I like it. I was eating my ice cream until I was startled because something touched my back. My ice cream dropped to the ground. Great, I thought. Now I have to go buy another ice cream. I looked back and there was this being shaped like a two with a pair of eyes. I was flabbergasted at the sight. The two asked me what I was doing.

"Eating ice cream before you made me drop the ice cream, that's what I was doing," I said.

"Oh, sorry. my name is Ricochet." Said the two. So that's his name. Now I can commit wire fraud under his name.

"I'll buy you another ice cream, I promise. Just pay me a few dollars, I need that moolah." Said Ricochet.

"Hell no man, I'm not paying you, pay me instead. You wasted my ice cream." I replied. Ricochet appeared to be as dumb as a rock, maybe I was actually talking to a rock, I don't know. Any time I spoke to him, it was like talking to air.

Ricochet grabbed a pocket knife out of his pocket and pointed the tip of the blade at my neck.

"Give me your damn wallet!" Screamed Ricochet. I wasn't going to let up that easy. A measly knife isn't enough to get me queasy. I then slapped Ricochet in the face.

"Noooooooo!" Exclaimed Ricochet. He then poofed into a bunch of doves and they flew away. "That was odd," I thought. I knew I could get him, it was very easy like I thought it would be. Except I didn't expect the doves. That was weird.

After walking for a while, I collapsed. I was dead dehydrated except I wasn't actually dead.

I woke up on a spaceship, piloted by a man in a trench coat. I asked his name but he refused to give his name. I was jealous of him because he has a name to tell people while I don't have a name to give. The spaceship interior was a shiny white color, made out of metal, and busy with the decorations. There was a firepit with a roaring flame. I didn't want to be near it because of my close call with the weather earlier. There was also a poster of the element Niobium on the wall. I thought that was cute.

An hour later, we landed on pluto. It was extremely hot here, I started getting dizzy. I tried to snap out of it and it worked. I tried asking the trench coat man a question but he pushed me back into the spaceship and ran. I was upset. why did he do that to me? I did nothing to upset him at all. Cutting my losses, I stood up. I looked around, there was fire everywhere. Maybe that's why it was so hot. I started walking around and I found this river. There was a Grim Reaper-looking figure near it. I asked what this river was.

"River Styx." Replied the Grim Reaper figure. I then saw a boat over at the dock. The dock was large and painted teal. I asked if I could ride the boat.

"Pay me with a soul and I shall let you ride. But it seems like you've already paid the debt. Proceed/" Replied the grim reaper figure. I don't know what he means by "You've already paid the debt." But, works for me. I then sat on the boat.

There were skeletons everywhere. Many were shackled to the walls of the cave that River Styx cut through. I felt a bit of fear. Uncertainty lie ahead and I had no choice but to face it. After a while of riding, I found this gothic looking castle. I thought it was pretty edgy having a goth castle out in the middle of a fiery wasteland.

At the gothic castle, there was a broken window who was floating that greeted me.

"Hello, welcome to hell." Said the window. That's when I realized I screwed up. I shouldn't have collapsed earlier, I could've avoided this whole mess. "Am I dead?" I thought. What could I have done to deserve this?

I got lost in the castle. I was having trouble navigating through the tight corridors of the castle. Only until I found a mirror. I went up to the mirror and there was a quartz crystal who looked depressed. I asked what was the matter.

"Nothing matters. Nothing matters to me anymore. I don't matter." The quartz replied. The quartz then sighed afterward and pointed to the direction I needed to go.

"Thanks!" I replied.

"Don't thank me, I don't deserve it." The quartz said in a low voice.

I decided to go on my merry way. I looked around and I found an office. It said "Hades" on it. "This must be Hade's lair," I thought. I slowly opened the door and took a peek in. I saw the man in the trench coat from earlier. That's hades. That's who the trench coat man was. But why did Hades put me through all of this hell? I proceeded to walk up to hades but he yelled:

"Get out of my lair!" I felt shocked at such insolent behavior. I didn't do anything to deserve that attitude.

"Why did you send me here?" I asked.

"Because you killed one of my minions. Remember Ricochet? Yeah, he was one of my minions you idiot." Said Hades. I didn't even know Ricochet was a minion of hades.

"I sent you here so you'd suffer through hell and back just so I can reprimand you. Now get out of my lair!." Said Hades. I wanted to ask more questions but I was interrupted by:

"Get out of my lair. Get out of my lair. Get out of my lair!" Hades was ruder than I thought he was. What a moron. I said later and left.

My boat was waiting for me at River Styx. I then rode down River Styx, seeing the same skeletons I saw earlier.

After my departure from River Styx, I asked the Grim Reaper-like figure if I could go back home. He told me that a pure soul was sacrificed so I'm in the clear to leave. I was then sent back to Earth on an escape pod.

I had a crash landing on Earth. It knocked the bejesus out of me. I saw that the sun had settled and the searing weather slowed to a halt. Finally, it was cool enough for me to stay outside.

Feel well soon, Quartz.

Published Nov. 6th, 2021