The Unnamed Protagonist


Warsaw, Poland, June 29th, 2001. I was sitting in a mushroom forest looking for a way out. Each mushroom had a teal cap and a purple stipe. It smelled like garbage and I hated it. I hate life when I'm in a stinky mushroom patch. I felt the urge to start punching the forest down but I decided to exercise restraint. I still wasn't in a good mood though.

"Hey, my name is Delta the Star Guide, and I will be your tour guide today! Nice to meet you!" Said a random entity somewhere around me. I looked around but I couldn't see anything. Then I heard movement above me. It was Delta. Delta was a blue horizontal pine tree with large eyes and sharp teeth. I don't think he'll be capable of staying quiet with that big mouth of his.

I then traversed the mushroom forest with Delta. Of course, he couldn't stop talking about the people he has helped in the past, where he's been to, and what he does in outer space. I was utterly annoyed. "He can't stop talking, he can't stop talking, he can't stop talking..." I thought to myself. I decided to punch Delta to make him shut up. I was sick of it.

"Hey, that's mean..." Said delta.

"Well, shut up then," I replied back.

We then saw a giraffe with a henohenomoheji for a face. I hope that giraffe decides to use those neck muscles of his properly and keep it zipped.

After a long time of walking, we found a slot machine out in the middle of the forest. I pulled the lever and watched as the wheels spun. I got three tooth symbols. I wondered what that meant. I was confused until this buck-toothed gorilla fell from the trees. The gorilla's teeth were yellow and it did not look happy in the slightest. I made a beeline. The gorilla was chasing me exclusively, not anyone else. That giraffe and damn Delta pissed me off for the last time. I decided to ditch them when the gorilla was chasing me.

I watched as the gorilla started to try to gum down the giraffe. I was mad at them but not that mad. I lashed out at the gorilla with a screwdriver I had in my pocket and it screamed in pain. I had to constantly avoid the gorilla's bulky arms trying to sweep me from the ground while stabbing it with my screwdriver. It was a tough battle.

Eventually, the gorilla tired out and gave up. I told the gorilla to never go back down from those trees again and it agreed. The gorilla then climbed up the tree and was never to be seen again. Now I had to clean my screwdriver because of the blood that stained it. I was annoyed once again. Delta then started yipping once more. I made him zip his lips by putting a screwdriver up to his eyes. I told him that I'm on a bloodlust and if he makes one wrong move, his soul is mine. He instantly shut up after that.

We found a green-colored igloo. It was strange seeing green ice but whatever. A bunch of robots came pouring out of the igloo. They were all different shapes and sizes. Each robot had different contraptions on it like a saw blade, a remote control, et cetera.

One robot decided to come up to my pocket, grab my wallet and make a run for it. That means my identity just got stolen, and I definitely need that. I chased after the robot, upset. I then leaped and caught the robot. I punched it until it was a paperweight. I got my wallet back after that. I then decided to investigate the igloo.

In the igloo, there was a McDonald's Play Place. I was wondering what that was doing there. Delta of course, ran over there to play; like the big mouth, he is. I decided to go on there as well, it's not like I have anything better to do and I am bored.

I went down the slides, it was mildly amusing. Then I went down the slide again but it felt like it was taking too long to reach the bottom. I was afraid that I was going to be stuck in the slide for a good while. Afterward, I fell into a dungeon with the words "McDonald's Play Dungeon" plastered on the sidewall. I hoped I wasn't stuck there.

In the dungeon, I saw the same robots entering and exiting. I knew they were my way out. I kept following the robots until I found an exit. The exit lead me to a place other than the mushroom forest. The exit lead me to a land full of speakers and hard-boiled eggs. That dungeon experience could've been way worse, I thought.

Published Nov. 7th, 2021