The Unnamed Protagonist


Monterrey, Mexico, July 9th, 2004. I was at Burger King eating some french toast sticks. It was a particularly cold day. That's why I decided to treat myself to some Burger King. I looked up at the television near where I was sitting and the news host on there announced that it was auction day. I got upset because I needed to go to auction day but I was still eating. I slammed my food on the table hard enough to make a huge mess.

I left Burger King. I hopped in my car and drove over to the auction. When I was at the auction, there was a huge crowd of people. I didn't want to deal with any of the people so I pushed through them to the front of the auction. The auctioneer appeared to be a dragon sitting in a bucket with a notebook for wings.

"Today, we have the M.U.L.E." Exclaimed the auctioneer. The M.U.L.E. appeared to be a large metal donkey with laser cannons attached to its head. "Awesome", I thought. I sifted through my wallet to see what I had to offer the auctioneer. Bingo! A quarter. Just what I need.

"I bet my quarter!" I said.

"One quarter!" Replied the auctioneer.

Ten minutes later, the auction started getting crazy bets.

"I bet a soda lid!" Said one person.

"I bet my bicycle helmet!" Said another person.

"Oh yeah, well I bet FIFTY paper plates! Beat that!" Said another person.

"Sold!" Said the auctioneer. I was angered, my bet of a quarter was thrown away that quickly. I decided to go up and slap the auctioneer in the face.

"I bet nothing, because the M.U.L.E. is mine now!" I yelled! I wanted the M.U.L.E.'s awesomeness. It would be cool riding that thing and destroying everything.

I was atop the M.U.L.E. It was awesome, it even had a computer terminal I could use to control it. I pressed the screen and then the screen went black and a caterpillar appeared.

"You have five days to pay a total of 100,000 yen to the address x.x, x.x, otherwise, your operating system will be trashed!" said the caterpillar. I wanted to punch the screen out over this but I decided to restrain myself. I didn't want to ruin the nice M.U.L.E. I just stole. I hopped out of the M.U.L.E. and set foot to x.x, x.x.

Along the way, I found people's computers with the same issue. I almost laughed at all of them. People's hardships make me laugh, I love people's misery. I got back to walking after trying not to snicker. I found a gigantic ice pyramid. I entered it.

Inside the ice pyramid, it was extremely hot. There were computers with the same caterpillar I saw before. I noticed caterpillars climbing inside the central processing unit of the computers. "Those computers must be infected very bad, this is probably coordinate x.x, x.x", I thought. As I continued walking, I started seeing the caterpillars grow larger and larger.

I finally got to the main caterpillar's lair. It was eating money like it was going out of style. It appeared to have a crown atop its head and a very important person card on a necklace around its neck. I'll call it "King Caterpillar".

"Ah, came to bring me some ransom?" Said the king caterpillar.

"No, I didn't. I came to slap you, dolt." I replied back.

"Well, you can only beat me by playing a game with me." Said the king caterpillar.

"And what game is that?" I replied.

"We throw jelly beans at each other for a minute, whoever hits the most green jelly beans wins." the king caterpillar replied. I thought that seemed easy enough. Only until I realized that the king caterpillar has several throwing arms. "Aw damn", I thought. I proceeded to grab only the green jelly beans and threw them at the king caterpillar.

"Stop, that's cheating! You cannot dig for the green jelly beans!" Said the king caterpillar. I ignored him obviously because I'm the best jelly bean thrower and he isn't worth anything to me. The king then vaporized and a pool of lava took his place. I won! I left the ice pyramid and set forth back to my M.U.L.E. Nothing notable happened along the way to the M.U.L.E.

After twenty minutes of walking, I sat atop my M.U.L.E., ready to destroy. I drove my M.U.L.E. through cities and blasted buildings down with the laser cannons. I really enjoyed myself. It definitely felt better than not being able to finish my Burger King breakfast. After destroying five cities, I noticed a flying saucer coming my way. I tried shooting it down but I missed. The saucer shot a vaccine at my M.U.L.E. and it fell down and couldn't move. I was upset, I wanted to destroy some more.

A few robot humanoids stepped out of the saucer once I left to try and run away. The humanoids chased me and cuffed me.

"What did I do?!?!?" I exclaimed.

"You stole a M.U.L.E. and killed a deity." Replied the humanoids, each saying it at the same time.

"But I didn't?" I replied back.

"Nice lie, you're coming with us." The humanoids told me. I thought I could get away with that lie. Maybe those bolts for brains are actually smarter than I thought. I got thrown in the back of the saucer and I felt like vomiting. I wasn't ready for this. I want to go back to being good.

The saucer stopped. The light was very bright, I could barely see. Eventually, my eyes adjusted to the brightness and I saw the sign "Center of the Galaxy Prison". I didn't know I was getting sent to prison. I know the center of the galaxy has a lot of gravity so I'm not gonna be able to escape so easily. I was escorted to my new holding cell. It was purple with a pink bed. I slept there, contemplating my actions.

The next morning, breakfast was being served. It appeared to be old, disgusting, crusty french toast.

Published Nov. 7th, 2021