The Unnamed Protagonist


Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, Oct 29th, 2006. The city was flooded. The flood and the lightning were clashing. I knew it involved me, just don't know why. There was a giant monster made out of electrons roaming the city. It was looking through each and every window for someone. Eventually, the monster reached my window. It broke the window and grabbed me specifically. Why? I don't know.

As I was being dragged along by the electron monster, a Spongebob plush arose from a puddle of dirty water and punched the electron monster. Is this my savior? I've yet to find out. The electron monster dropped me to the ground from 50 ft which should have killed me but I survived anyway. I landed on my back which hurt. I was starting to get extremely angered. Why drop me like that? At least be nice to the people you capture for Christ's sake. I proceeded to punch and kick the ground, throwing a tantrum. Then I got back up and calmed down.

I watched as the Spongebob plush and electron monster battled. The electron monster was no match for the Spongebob plush though. As the electron monster was thrown to the ground, the Earth shook. Buildings fell over, car alarms went off, the tsunamis worsened.

I needed to use the restroom and I had to find a place to go. I needed to be hasty as my bladder was just about to empty. I kept swimming to find a suitable place to use the restroom. But that's when I found a toilet floating in the water. I swam with it over to a safe place and did my business. I had a few cherry bombs left in my pocket so I decided to blow up the toilet using one of the small bombs. I love destruction so much.

After the toilet blew up, I found myself being sucked in by the toilet. The water smelled like urine and feces. I was disgusted. Eventually, the trip through the toilet ended. I landed somewhere hot. But I recognized the landscape from one of my dreams.

I was in hell. I do not know why I was even sent to hell. Maybe I did something terrible in another universe? I just wanted to go back home. Home is a place of peace for me, the only one at that. No noisy annoying people. Seclusion keeps me from fighting with people and hides my anger.

After twenty minutes of walking in hell, I found a laboratory. I tried knocking but nobody answered. After a minute, I fell myself falling through the floor. It was a trap. There was no laboratory, it was all just an illusion. I kept falling through the floor until I fell into what looked to be a prison cell. "I must be in a hell palace, no way there's dungeons in any modern place", I thought. Around me were people who looked just like me. I wondered if they were actually me or if it was just another illusion.

I found a rusty key behind my bed and I knew it was for the door. I slipped my hand through the bars and unlocked my door. I was finally free, for now though. I snuck through the corridors of the hell palace. I saw a piano with a pitchfork. "Those must be the guards", I thought. I quickly hid behind a wall while a piano guard passed. I then snuck behind the piano and ran down the corridor. Lucky there weren't many other piano guards. Whoever hired those guards was an idiot.

I found a door with a picture of a banana on it. I thought that was funny. I then entered the door and there were pictures of bananas all over the walls. I traversed the hallways of the banana room. It felt like I was in the backroom. The problem was: I couldn't find an exit anywhere. This banana "room" is probably a maze, I thought to myself. Seeing the yellow started irritating me. I kept punching the drywall until a piece fell out. The hole I just made was my way out.

I met a purple head sitting on a plate, held by an elephant wearing a baseball hat. The head asked where I was just a moment ago.

"I was in the banana maze", I replied.

"What did you say to me?" The head responded back.

"I said I was in the banana maze, happy now?" I rudely said back.

"I hate bananas and I hate you. Bananas are disgusting you dirty banana maze traveler."

"But there's no reason to hate me unless you hate bananas," I replied back.

"I am the banana man." The elephant said.

"You are what?" Replied the head.

"You're fine to go now, I have to go deal with this moron." Said the head.

As I left, I was about to laugh at that conversation. That was the funniest conversation I had ever participated in.

I kept walking through the corridors of the hell palace. I then found a study. I saw a person with red skin and horns. Maybe it's the devil? I must ask for his name. I asked and I got replied with:

"Hades. And I know your name but I won't give you the satisfaction. You'll be participating in an evil vs. evil battle by the way."

"What's the evil vs. evil battle?" I asked.

"It's when two evil beings are thrown in a gladiator arena and must fight to the death." Replied Hades.

I knew I wasn't ready for hell, let alone a battle in hell. I asked who was my opponent.


I then asked why I was so evil. I got the reply:

"You left your own kind behind. You are an insolent fool who does nothing but cause trouble. Even I hate you. You're not a son of a god, now leave me alone. I don't care about you anymore." Said Hades.

That's the only reply I got back after asking even more questions. I left the office and walked to the gladiator arena. I grabbed my armor and sword, braced myself for battle, and walked out the doors.

I looked at the sign far away from me and it read "Virus Vault". I wondered what the meaning of that was. The virus vault gate then opened. My opponent? A small Spongebob plush, way smaller than the Spongebob plush I met earlier. I thought this was going to be easy, but I was wrong. The plush was so agile, I could barely keep up. The plush kept trying to poke through my armor with its vaccine. I did hit a lucky strike and stabbed the plush right through the chest with my blade. I just won, it wasn't that tough at all, aside from the agility of the plush.

I announced that I won, all of a sudden. A crowd appeared from the seats. They all screamed "boo". I don't know why they were so upset. I made an amazing victory. I then stabbed my sword into the wall and cursed them all. They all shut up.

After that fiasco, I got a ticket back to Earth. A large eyeball came floating over to me and shot me with a laser.

I woke up, and I was back on Earth, at home. It appears that the flooding and lightning had gone away.

Published Nov. 7th, 2021