The Unnamed Protagonist


Leshan, China, July 29th, 2006. I was eating my dinner when I noticed a bunch of spiders crawling up my wall. I almost vomited my food; the scene was that disgusting. I went over to go exterminate the spiders with my blowtorch. As I torched the spiders, acid started squirting out of their dying carcasses. The floor underneath me melted and gave way to a pit underneath my house.

The pit was very dark. I started crawling looking for any hidden doors. I then found a door. I looked around and I was at what appeared to be a candy store with a gator running it. I asked if I could have some candy and I was given a handful for free. That gator was very nice to me.

After eating my handful of candy, I left the store through another door I found. The door led me to a beautiful beach. The beach had teal sand and the outside sky was pink. This place feels familiar, I just can’t put my finger on where.

I walked down the beach for a while, finding nobody to talk to. I sat down and ate the sandwich I had left in my back pocket. It was full of marshmallow fluff and mud. The sandwich tasted horrible; the only redeeming factor was the marshmallow fluff. I decided to throw away the other half of my sandwich because I was starting to get sick of the taste.

Someone came up to speak to me. The person spoke completely in Japanese, and I don’t understand that language. I tried asking if English could be spoken and I was replied with “ee-eh”. The person then swung a club at my head, and I was knocked out cold.

I must’ve been out for a while because my smartwatch said I was “asleep”. It was difficult to see, there was a bright light shining in my eyes and my vision was doubling. I felt my forehead and there was a big knot. “That was a strong swing”, I thought. Eventually my vision cleared up and there were aliens probing my stomach as it was cut open. I deserve to die so this dissection doesn’t mean anything to me.

I found my organs piled on a table. I was nothing but a head now, but my skeleton was still attached to my head. I got up off the table and ate my organs to reattach them. Each tasted disgusting as I chewed them. I’m disgusting so the taste of the organs wasn’t much worse. Then the organs regrew after swallowing them.

I walked out of the room I was contained in. The room I entered was a party room. Smog machines, lights, food. I wanted to partake in the party, but I wasn’t a very important person. Not like I’m worth a dime. A dust devil then came and swept me up. There went my chance of getting into the party.

The dust devil made me land on a new planet. I was surprised at how far the dust devil had thrown me, usually that does not happen. I read a sign and on it said, “Rock Star”. Obviously not the music rockstar but an actual planet. There was sand and rocks everywhere. The ambient temperature was very hot, and the air was dry. My nose and throat got sore quickly.

Feeling hoarse, I spoke to a cowboy looking snake. The snake had a cut scar over its left eye and it looked at me sternly, as if I did something wrong. I feel like I’ve done so much wrong in my life. The snake then asked where I was from.

“Earth”, I replied.

“Well throw my boot and drink my coffee, you aren’t allowed here!” Said the snake.

The snake then whistled over for some cronies behind a rock. The cronies threw a lasso around my legs and tied me up good. As I was bounded, I was thrown into the back of a white van.

Hogtied in the van, I saw a knife. I inched over to reach the knife and slice the rope that bounded me so tightly. Sadly, the van hit a bump and the knife slid away. I was stuck for a while now.

After a very bumpy ride, the van had finally stopped. The sun was so bright, it made me sweat the instant I saw it.

“Get him out of ‘ere” said one of the cronies.

“Yes sir!” said another crony.

I was dragged out of the van and placed on the ground. I then tried inching away but I was grabbed again and brought to a place that seemed to be a prison. I begged to not be thrown in prison, but my efforts were in vain as the crony laughed at my sorry attempts. I gave up because I deserve to be in prison anyways.

At the prison, I supplanted another prisoner in their cell. The other prisoner was free to go while I sat there miserable. I had nothing to do, nothing to look forward to. Feelings I’m used to. Prison felt like home.

Out of nowhere, I started hearing the stone walls that surrounded me crack. I then started seeing the wall crack. The wall fell apart and a tall humanoid duck that was colored black and had a white band around its neck greeted me. The duck was holding a rifle and had military clothing on.

“I’m here to bust you out of this place!” Said the duck.

I asked what the duck’s name was. The duck replied with:

“Howduck! Nice to meet you, no more time to talk, grab my other rifle and help me fight!”

I felt happy that at least someone cared for my wellbeing, that person being Howduck. I then grabbed the rifle Howduck wanted me to take, and we went to town. We nearly swept the entire prison aside from the prisoners. We unlocked the prison cells with the keys we found and freed everyone. Howduck then pulled a detonator out from his pocket and blew up the entire prison. “That was an awesome escape”, I thought.

Howduck took me on his spaceship. We enjoyed a nice game of pool and drank soda along the trip. I looked out the window and saw the galaxy. It was the most beautiful scene I have ever seen. Howduck and I conversated on what it’s like on Earth and what we do for a living.

After our last soda bottle, the spaceship landed back on Earth. I said goodbye to Howduck and cried a little. Howduck is awesome and I’ll miss him. I went to order a taxi through my smartwatch. I felt a poking on my wrist underneath the smartwatch, so I took it off and looked underneath. The smart watch was trying to kill me! There was a vaccine it was using to sabotage me. It was injecting poison into my bloodstream. Soon, I collapsed.

I woke up out in an alleyway. My shoes and smartwatch had been stolen from me. “The smartwatch would never sabotage me, right?” I questioned to myself. I found myself a map I the dumpster I lay next to and set foot to my home.

After an hour of walking, I was exhausted. I drank from a nearby river I was so thirsty. After getting a disgusting drink of water, I set foot again. I eventually found my house and unlocked the door with the keys I left under the mat.

In my house, I sat down for a breather. “That was a long day”, I thought. I went back into my kitchen and there it was, my dinner still sitting there. I was hungry, tired, and lazy so I decided to go finish eating my dinner from before.

Published Nov. 10th, 2021