The Unnamed Protagonist


Ahvaz, Iran, December 25th, 2001. I was asleep and I woke up from a nightmare. For context: I fell asleep early last night because I was tired. The coffee didn't work at all. I then fell asleep for a good eight hours, woke up, fell back asleep. Only a few hours later and I had a nightmare.

In the dream, I was eating pizza with a God. I said one wrong word and I was smitten by him. I died at the hands of a God due to his lightning bolt. After my death, I saw a cloaked demonic being and a businessman laughing right at me. I didn't know the meaning of it, but I had to investigate.

I heard a knock on my door. I asked who the name was.

"Eddie Louie", the mystery knocker said.

I opened the door and welcomed Eddie Louie in. He had a wrinkled face and a bald head except for one tall strand of hair sticking up. Eddie Louie sat down and had a talk with me.

"You know, a god is hosting a pizza party and he said he'd like you to join him." Eddie Louie told me.

"Oh! Me? I'm surprised. How does he know about me?" I replied.

"It's a secret reason. I was only sent here as a messenger." Said Eddie Louie.

Eddie Louie then put on his shoes with wings on and ran through the air; flying away quickly. "What was that all about?" I pondered to myself. I decided to go head outside and partake in this God pizza party.

Outside, the air was fresh and easy to breathe. The ambient temperature was cold. I looked to my right and noticed a black car with its headlights on. I then watched as it started driving towards me. I ran away from the vehicle. Luckily, a clown jumped in the way and stopped the car. The clown then went over to the car and slapped it with his plastic glove. The vehicle then made harp sounds and fell into pieces.

"You're welcome." Said the clown as he shrank into nothing.

"That was weird", I thought. I went into my car and sat down for a bit. I was thinking of what Eddie Louie had told me earlier. "A pizza party invitation, from a god? Seems suspicious." I thought. Feeling up to the challenge, I started driving my car towards the highway.

On the highway, there was a giant bread monster ravaging cars. I quickly held the brakes and turned. The bread monster then started chasing my vehicle. I blinked once and a knight in shining armor appeared on my passenger seat.

"Good morning to you, sir", said the knight in shining armor.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"Sir Shine", replied the knight in shining armor.

"What's yours?" Asked Sir Shine.

"I don't know my name", I replied back.

The conversation went silent until Sir Shine asked if I could take him to Burger King. I originally said no but he bugged me to the point of defeat. I ordered him three double cheeseburgers with no pickle and a large fry. He kept his mouth shut for a while after that.

"I need to go talk to one of my friends, do you have any laxatives by the way?" Asked Sir Shine.

"I actually do have some laxatives, and where is your friend?" I asked back.

"Near the beach", replied Sir Shine.

I made a u-turn and started driving to the beach. The bread monster was still chasing us. Sir Shine jumped out the window, shattering it. He grabbed his sword and swung at the bread monster. It got cut and the wounds squirted green liquid. Sir Shine almost got bitten but he stabbed the throat of the beast and killed it.

After we got to the beach, I asked Sir Shine why we needed the laxatives.

"You'll see", replied Sir Shine.

We walked down to the beach. We saw a man wearing a robe down by the beach.

"Ulysses! My man!" Yelled Sir Shine.

"What's up, I see you brought your friend here. I was expecting him. I'd like to have a word with him", said Ulysses.

I then walked over to Ulysses and talked to him.

"Grab the laxatives out of your pocket and feed them to the birds", said Ulysses.

"But why?" I asked.

"I heard you're here to slay Nightmare." Replied Ulysses.

"Who is Nightmare and why was I chosen?" I asked.

"Nightmare is an evil demon who terrorizes people in their sleep via dreams. You just so happened to be the first person he has terrorized in thousands of years. We have a radar for dream monsters which means we were able to find Nightmare's location easily. We knew your location from that so Sir Shine hopped into your car when he had the chance. Eddie Louie was sent to start you on your journey. Your location was directly given to Eddie Louie so he could quickly meet you, then it was sent to Sir Shine." Replied Ulysses.

"So I do have a purpose in life", I replied.

"Yes, you do; and don't you ever think that you do not have one. Sir Shine is here to help you on your quest by the way. Now go feed those birds the laxatives but pour this can of corn in the ocean first." Replied Ulysses.

I dumped the can of corn Ulysses gave me. A large chunk of the ocean turned into fog and a stone flooring was revealed. I dumped the laxatives on the ground and the birds then ate the laxatives.

Twenty minutes later, the birds started defecating napalms and they shattered the stone floor. A city of what looked to be Atlantis was uncovered. I then walked over to Atlantis, confident of my mission and what I must do. As I walked down to Atlantis, a three-headed dog confronted me.

"Oh no, that's Cerebus. Fear not! I shall smite this vile creature."

With one fell swoop, Sir Shine cut all three heads off the dog. The dog lay there dead, gore everywhere.

"Well, that was unnecessary", I said.

"That dog is pure evil. It was my honor slaying it." Replied Sir Shine.

As we entered Atlantis, the city with booming with population. Busy streets, buildings being entered and exited, chit chat, you name it. The city of Atlantis was packed. I walked through in awe as the city was a lot more technologically advanced than mine. I felt very primitive. For a shut-in city, Atlantis was doing very well.

"Go to the museum with me", said Sir Shine.

I asked why I needed to go and Sir Shine replied with:

"You must find the Ring of Divinity!"

I then entered the museum with Sir Shine. The ring wasn't that hard to find. It only took us an hour to find the ring as we were in awe over the contents of the museum.

At the ring, I took a deep breath and grabbed the ring. I knew this was wrong, it's stealing. But I had to steal for the sake of people's dreams. After I grabbed the ring, I felt my body sinking. Hands were pulling Sir Shine and I through the floor.

We were in an oddly familiar room. The room's walls were pitch red and the floor was pitch black. Many hands protruded from the walls. After sitting for a bit, the hands on the other side of the room pulled us through the wall.

I was in a God's domain now. Except something felt off. The place seemed eerie and spooky. The sky was black and the clouds were purple. The air's coldness was numbing.

"This is not a God's domain if you were thinking that. We're in Nightmare's domain now. Take my sword and behead that foul monster!" Said Sir Shine.

I grabbed Sir Shine's sword and then Nightmare came. Nightmare was a huge demon wearing a black cloak. The monster chased me. As I ran, I was slicing Nightmare's cloak to pieces. I remembered saving some magic mushrooms in my pocket. I threw some of the magic mushrooms in Nightmare's mouth and the monster started shrieking. I then slammed my new sword down Nightmare's throat and the monster turned to dust and succumbed to the wind.

"You killed Nightmare! We've been trying to kill Nightmare for eons, yet a random person such as yourself killed the evil being. Now, you've definitely earned that pizza party with a God." Said Sir Shine.

Sir Shine snapped his fingers and the sky cleared of the darkness and the clouds turned white. A God came over to greet me.

"Nightmare was planning to kill me, you know." Said, the God.

"I didn't know that", I replied.

"For your hard work, you've earned a pizza party with me, Sir Shine, Eddie Louie, and Ulysses." Said God.

Ulysses and Eddie Louie entered the scene, chit-chatting. The God ascended to the air and grabbed some pizza boxes. We all settled at the table and ate some nice warm pizza.

Published Nov. 10th, 2021