The Unnamed Protagonist


Naha, Japan, February 26th, 2001. I was at the mall shopping because I needed new clothes. The clothes I was wearing made fabric tearing sounds when I moved, and they felt tight around my skin. Every time I wear these clothes, I get red marks on my skin.

I was approaching JCPenney when I was startled by the sounds of alarms.

“Active robbery taking place right now, stop drop and roll!” Was said through the intercom.

“This is nuts”, I thought. I tried running out, but the entire mall locked. I was trapped, nowhere to go. I really needed to go buy clothes and head straight home. I had forgotten to wash the clothes I’m wearing right now, and I feel disgusted by the notion of wearing dirty clothes.

I went into JCPenney to pick out some clothes. However, the men’s section was closed. The entire store was frosted and was covered in ice. I almost slipped numerous times trying to navigate the store. I tried entering the men’s section, but it was even more slippery.

Eventually, I made way to the center of the men’s section. There was a monkey holding a staff sitting on the shoe trying bench. I asked why it was here, the monkey replied with:

“I’m your guardian angel. I forgive you for your sins.”

It’s nice to hear that my sins have been forgiven but that still doesn’t answer my question. Why was the monkey here? I asked again.

“I’m your guardian angel. I froze this place up because I like it here. This place is mine now.” Replied the guardian angel monkey.

So that’s why the guardian angel monkey was in the men’s section. Now that I know that information, I asked about the robbery that took place today.

“Unrelated to me. Ask me again and I slap your face.” Replied the guardian angel monkey.

Feeling cocky, I decided to ask again. I nice red mark was left on my face. The guardian angel monkey then defrosted the JCPenny and flew away. “That was an odd encounter”, I thought. After the JCPenny unfroze, people started pouring in. Looks like people needed to buy clothing, just like me. I tried paying for my clothing, but the worker was completely absent-minded. I saw an odd, warped infinity logo in the worker’s eyes. “Oh, it must be nothing”, I thought.

I put my clothes back and went to walk through the mall again. I had enough money for a lot of food and clothes, so I decided to eat some lunch. I had the best pretzels ever, and I drank some delicious lemon juice. Just as I got finished eating, the owner of the mall came out to speak to everyone.

The crowd gathered around the owner of the mall, anticipating their release. However, it was not what we all expected.

“You’ll be locked inside here forever, and I’ll take all of your money. Arg, Arg, Arg.” Laughed the mall owner.

Damn it! I wasn’t going to get out at this point. And now that my money is getting taken from me, I won’t be able to afford the clothes I wanted to buy. I was very upset. I ran over to punch the mall owner, but security stopped me dead in my tracks. I was then pushed to the floor by the mall owner, and he started digging through my pockets

“Ooh, what’s this? Five hundred Smackeroonies? Well, it’s all mine now. Arg, Arg, Arg.” Laughed the mall owner.

This greedy idiot wasn’t going to get away with this. I slapped the mall owner in the face and security went after me. I pulled an icicle out from my pants, and I stabbed the guards. It was a gruesome mess but it had to be done for the safety of everyone’s wallets.

The mall owner was furious. He started yelling and screaming while running at me. I slapped the mall owner in the face again and he started crying.

“I just wanted some more money. The robbery was fake, I’m the real robber.” Sobbed the mall owner.

“Your negative feelings are what you get for being a crook”, I replied.

“But I’m usually not like this. I’m a very nice person and I take care of all my customers.” Said the mall owner.

Thinking about what the mall owner sand and his emotions, I decide to give him a second chance.

“Aww, you’d do that for me?” Said the mall owner cheerfully.

I replied with “Yes”.

“Well, jokes on you because I was just trying to manipulate you. Arg, Arg, Arg.” Laughed the mall owner.

Suddenly, I heard rumbles coming out from underneath the store. They felt like they were coming from underneath the mall owner.

“Uh oh”, said the mall owner

A drill then appeared out from underneath the mall owner and gored him. My five hundred dollars were left on the floor for the taking. Quickly, I walked over and grabbed the money back. I don’t know what the drill was here for but it was my savior.

Four moles came out of the drill and told us that we’re freed. I decided to go back over to JCPenny and purchase my clothes. I was able to leave the store from the hole that was drilled. After that, I went back home.

Back at home, I tried on the new clothing. “A perfect fit”, I thought.

Published Nov. 11th, 2021