The Unnamed Protagonist


Changji, China, July 28th, 2007. I was stuck inside of a video game’s option menu. There was no way out. I searched for hours, but to no avail. I sat on the floor with no hope. Cutting my losses, I decided to fall asleep. After all, I needed to catch up on my sleep anyways.

After waking up, I was in the video game’s title screen. There was a nice door waiting to be opened by me. I then got up off the floor and went over to the door. The door had red wood and a golden frame. I opened the door.

Inside the new room, there was a minefield and a stack of paper plates by my side. On the other side of the minefield, a church. I didn’t know how I could get over to the church without setting off one of the mines. But that gave me an idea. What if I detonated the mines on purpose. I could throw the paper plates at the mines and watch them blow up.

Executing my idea of throwing paper plates at the mines, they all blew up in tandem. “Perfect!” I thought. I then was able to walk across without having to pull a struggle. Now that the minefield was over with, I can go investigate the church.

Finally making it to the church, I entered the doors. I felt rumbles from the loud music that was being played. I then peeked around the corner and saw a man with a tank top sitting with his boombox punching the pillars of the church. On his tank top read “Russian Man”. He was being very obnoxious to members of the church. He had empty cans of beer lying next to him and he was shaking his head over the music.

I tried to go ask why he was playing his music so loud. Of course, he didn’t hear me so I had to tap his shoulder.

“HOLY CRAP!!!! WHO THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!?!?” Yelled the Russian man.

My ears were ringing after hearing him yell. The Russian man looked behind and stared at me dead in the eyes.

“Touch me one more time and you’ll get a knuckle sandwich. Now what the hell do you want?” Asked the Russian man.

“I want to know why you’re disgracing the church of a god.” I replied.

“Oh, you want me to turn up the volume? Thanks for the request. I couldn’t have thought of it myself.” Said the Russian man.

The Russian man then turned up the volume even louder. My ears started hurting badly. The cans of beer near him were starting to vibrate and bounce. Then an angry looking duck flew over to the Russian man. The duck pecked at the dude’s forehead and he got vastly angry.

The Russian man started chasing the angry duck as it flew away. The Russian man and the angry duck looked like a cat and mouse chase. The chase took over an hour to finally end. Why did the chase end? The Russian man grabbed the angry duck and punched its head off. That’s why.

The angry duck’s head went rolling across the floor. I almost vomited from the scene. The scene of the angry duck’s head getting punched off was brutal. I quickly ran out of the church when the Russian man started chasing me.

I saw a farmer with a pitchfork grab the Russian man by the arm and drag him into the basement of the church. I felt bad for the Russian man. Even though that man looked strong, he was actually weak in reality. I wondered why he was allowing himself to be obnoxious then.

I decided to go run over to the farmer with the pitchfork. He gave me a dirty look and dragged the Russian man even faster. I tried running but I couldn’t keep up with the farmer. “He’s so agile!” I thought. I then got to the door to the basement.

The basement door was locked which meant I had no way in. But I had an idea. I could grab one of the undetonated mines back from the minefield and use it on the door. It was a prefect idea. I then went back to grab one of the mines and paper plates and took it over to the door.

After grabbing the paper plate and the mine, I set the mine next to the basement door. I proceeded to throw a paper plate on the button of the mine. Kaboom! The door exploded open. That was my way into the basement.

In the basement I saw a large machine. On the machine read “Amalgam Machine”. I looked around and saw deformed creatures stuck in tanks of green liquid. This farmer was evil for sure. I wouldn’t have suspected a farmer to be an evil genius.

I saw a mare and a pig get thrown into the Amalgam Machine. They fused into a disgusting creature and then was tortured with the farmer’s pitchfork. The pitchfork act must be to make the creatures submit after their fusion.

I then saw the Russian man getting dragged into the machine. Hurriedly, I ran back to the minefield to grab the last undetonated mine and then ran back over to throw it at the Amalgam Machine. The Amalgam Machine exploded into bits and pieces. The shrapnel from the explosion almost hit me and the Russian Man.

The Russian Man, lucky to be alive, thanked me.

“What do you promise not to do?” I asked.

“I promise I will not drink in the church, play my music loud, and destroy the property...” Replied the Russian man.

The duck head from earlier then rolled over to our current location.

“This was all a test! The option menu, minefield, paper plates, church, farmer, Russian man, Amalgam Machine. That’s right, it was all just a test.” Said the angry duck head that rolled over.

After a minute passed, I saw the duck’s body run over to its head. The duck’s body twisted the head back on and snapped its fingers.

I was back home. That duck must have been a God because of how fast it transported me back home. I finally escaped the video game option menu, granted it wasn’t at the hands of me.

Published Nov. 12th, 2021