The Unnamed Protagonist


Bainbridge Island, Washington, July 16th, 2000. I have not had Cheetos for a long time. It has maybe been ten years since I have had Cheetos. I was at a pyramid in the middle of nowhere. No signs of Cheetos anywhere. Inside of the pyramid was a church. The church’s name read “Runtime”. No idea what the church people meant by “Runtime”, but I went inside anyway.

Inside of the church were tons of people dressed in cultist clothing. There were computer terminals littered about the foyer. Each and every one of the cultists looked directly at me and pointed to a cross in the back of the foyer. Suddenly, a cheetah with sunglasses walks out from behind the cross, beans in hand and a spoon to feed himself with.

“Yom, wassup my loser!” Said the cheetah.

“Nothing much man, how about you?” I replied.

“You know, life goes slow, I’m eating to grow. Simple things.” Said the cheetah.

“Nice to hear that.” I replied.

I do not know what the cheetah was talking about, I was confused. The cheetah went on a long ramble with me. The cheetah’s speech was very tangential, and its train of thought didn’t exist in the first place. I tried asking where the bathrooms were.

“Right to your left, bucko. Now don’t be a sicko otherwise I’d get a kick out of that!” Said the cheetah.

I am in the restroom now. There were cameras scattered about the walls. I used the crapper uncomfortably. I washed my hands with soap from the broken soap dispenser. The restroom smelled like drugs and Cheetos. Odd because I thought Cheetos weren’t served at churches.

I made my way out of the bathroom when I saw a woman talking to the cultists. She wore unique clothing. Her dress had pictures of flies on it, and she had a hat with bug wings. This church was very strange but deep down, I started liking the place. The cheetah is lovable, and the woman was just downright wacky. What wasn’t there to love about this place?

Then, the woman exploded, and giant flies came out of her body. The flies jumped around and tried biting people. The flies were chasing after the cultists while the cheetah was casting magic spells to stop the flies in their tracks. However, the cheetah’s magic was not enough for the vast number of flies that filled the room.

I joined in on the fun of killing flies. Confident in my abilities to kill flies, I start punching but eventually I end up getting bitten several times with my blood staining the floor. I then ran away.

After finding safe ground, I found a flyswatter hanging on the wall. The flyswatter was white, looked like a tennis racket, and on it read “Zeus’ Wrath”. Happy to find a flyswatter, I grab it off the wall and start using it on the flies. Each fly disintegrated when hit because of the powerful electricity.

After a few hours of fighting flies with the cheetah, they were finally all gone. The cheetah and I fist-bumped and talked about how evil that woman was for causing the fly fiasco. We had a few drinks of mountain dew together and called it a night. Only until an electron monster was zapped out of the Zeus’ Wrath flyswatter.

Scared of the electron monster, all the cultists started running again. The electron monster was mad; it started to punch walls and support beams down. We tried calming the beast with some mountain dew, but it wasn’t having any of it. The electron monster fell to the floor and started throwing a tantrum. I asked the electron monster what was wrong.

“I failed my mission... I’m going to get you now! Hahaha.” said the electron monster.

The electron monster started chasing me through the church. I end up cornered in the bathroom. In a last-ditch effort to save myself, I grabbed the toilet spray and sprayed the beast’s only eye. It fell to the floor and covered its eye in pain.

“I hate the runtime! I hate all of you!” I heard screamed from the bathroom by the electron monster.

The entire church started shaking. The church felt like an earthquake was happening. I then saw the electron monster leave the restroom after it relieved itself. The cheetah went over to the electron monster and offered to take us to a land no man has ever seen before. The entire church, including the electron monster, agreed to this deal and we all sat down in the foyer.

We were all half-seas-over. That was the most amazing time of my life. We were all so relaxed, including the electron monster. Eventually it started getting late and we all had to go back home. The electron monster and I shook hands and apologized to each other. We all then left the church except for the cheetah and me.

“So, I read your mind, and I saw that you wanted Cheetos, yeah?” Said the cheetah.

The cheetah suddenly summoned a bag of Cheetos for me to eat and then sent me home with a free taxi. I finally got to enjoy a bag of Cheetos after many years. Sadly, I dropped a few Cheetos in the back seat of the taxi and I got kicked out of the vehicle.

Published Nov. 16th, 2021