The Unnamed Protagonist


Hamburg, Germany, July 1st, 2009. I was at this furniture shop called “Fall Free”. I don’t understand the naming convention but here I am, looking for a new couch. My old couch is starting to rip and I’ve been in desperate need of another couch. The interior of the “Fall Free” furniture shops look like what you’d see inside of a Kohls.

A lot of the couches were too expensive for me to purchase. Yet, I still sat on them with my pet dog. I don’t think the employees of the store were too happy with my dog but they just walked away from the situation. I enjoy the feeling of a fresh couch, even if I can’t afford it.

After sitting down contemplating my financial irresponsibility, my eyes got locked on a nice pink couch. On the front of the couch were giant red lips, which was odd. Everything else seemed normal except for those lips. I then decided to take my dog and I over there to check the couch out.

At the pink couch, the price tag read “free”. I wondered why it was free. I decided to finally check the couch out by sitting on it. That’s when the couch’s mouth started moving and its mouth grabbed my dog by the legs. I heard a very loud crunch. That damn couch is trying to eat my dog!

I tried my hardest to pull my dog’s legs out of the couch’s mouth but it kept chowing down. Blood squirted everywhere and I could see the bone of my dog’s legs exposed. “Oh no, my dog is as good as gone”, I thought.

After twenty minutes of the couch’s chewing traumatizing my dog, I finally pulled my dog out of its mouth. The legs were eaten badly and my dog was starting to go into shock from the blood loss. In a panic I thought of a plan to get my dog to the animal hospital quickly. I then left Fall Free.

I drove my dog over to the animal hospital where he was treated. I had to let the dog stay at the hospital because it would be long before he was healed. I also couldn’t stay. I decided to go drive back to Fall Free and investigate the pink couch.

Back at Fall Free, I run back over to the pink couch. The blood from my dog had already been cleaned up when I got there. I guess that’s why the couch is free; because it eats pets. I then saw four pairs of jeans running over to me. The Jeans were so agile, I couldn’t hit them. They then dragged me through the store to a place that seemed to be the restroom.

Inside of the bathroom a sign read “Shoot to the moon!”. The moment after I read the sign, I found myself accelerating upwards. I was being lifted to the moon. I started worrying about getting cancer because of the cancer rays the sun emits. Luckily, I got to the moon fast.

On the moon was a carnival. The carnival’s entrance read “Jelly Bean Carnival”. I excitedly ran into the carnival only to be met with floating Pomegranates and an old woman screaming the word “Pomegranate”. The old woman was wearing an unnecessary amount of clothing. I went up to the woman and asked her why she was yelling the word “Pomegranate”.

“They’re after me. They talk to me daily. The pomegranates. They all hate me.” The woman replied.

I was confused by her response and went on with my exploration of the Jelly Bean Carnival. There was a rock concert playing music I couldn’t understand. I went up to the concert and the closer I got to it, the more I heard “The door is locked. You must get the crystal rock if you want to beat the clock!” repeated. There was a beat to what was being repeated. I suddenly saw a timer over my head the last time it repeated.

The timer over my head read “Five minutes, hurry or you’re going to worry.” I was already worrying; the timer’s warning was useless. What could happen to me if the timer ends?

As I ran around, I saw a bunch of roads scattered about in a square area. Above the roads were UFOs chanting “Break me for the crystal rock!”. I ran over and slapped the spaceship but I didn’t get my crystal rock. I looked around and found more UFOs flying about. I accidentally tripped into the water and watched as the timer started decreasing quicker. I got myself out of the water and the timer slowed back to normal speed.

After destroying all of the UFOs I was awarded a green crystal with a screwdriver inside of it. A door then appeared in front of me. I smelled the crystal and it tasted like lime candy. I ate the crystal, grabbed the screwdriver from it, and stabbed the lock on the door. The door then opened, to my surprise. The moment I tried entering the door, a giant robot with Zeus’ face on it grabbed the door away from me.

“WHY?” I asked.

“Please give me the last piece of that crystal rock candy or I will fight you.” The Zeus robot sobbed.

“But this is mine, not yours. Go get your own.” I replied.

“Fine, I guess I’ll just fight you.” The Zeus robot said.

I was met with a cold metal arm and my jaw feeling like it snapped. I was out cold. I wasn’t even able to think at all during the blackout.

I eventually woke up to a fuzzy memory and a door on top of me. Dazed, I walked around and looked upwards. There was a timer above my head and it was in the negatives now. “Now I remember, I was supposed to get through that door in time!” I thought.

I entered the door and the timer went back to zero. Lucky me, I guess. In the room I just entered was a blue gorilla. I waved at the gorilla and it waved back, a very friendly gesture indeed. I asked where I was at.

“Zeus’ domain”. Said the gorilla.

I was shocked at that statement. But why was I at Zeus’ domain in the first place. Why did I even need to be at Zeus’ domain? I asked for a way out but the only response I got was:

“To leave, you must confront Zeus face-to-face.”

Great, I wasn’t planning on meeting a god today. I just wanted to get a couch and call it a day. Eventually, I walked around looking for Zeus’ home. I was met by a white telephone with eyeballs. “Hey, you looking for Zeus?” The telephone said.

“Yes, do you know where the god is?” I replied.

“He’s in that giant pinball machine over there!” The telephone told me.

I thanked the telephone and went on my way. Along the way to the pinball machine, I met a bunch of bull terriers running around on the streets. I decided to put my finger down near the sidewalk and it almost got bitten off by one of the dogs. “Never again”, I thought.

At the pinball machine, free yogurts were being served. The flavors available were blue raspberry and cherry. I decided to grab both and eat them at the same time. The flavor of the yogurt reminded me of what lay ahead when I die. The taste was heavenly.

I climbed into the machine components of the pinball machine. The walls were bright neon blue with white coding scrolling across them. A big neon sign with an arrow on it pointed to Zeus’ house. I followed the neon arrows until I was met by a long field of grass with a yellow house in the middle of it. “This must be Zeus’ house”, I thought.

Entering Zeus’ house, I was met by a bunch of wind and lightning. Suddenly, I was teleported back outside of the pinball machine. Around me, I was surrounded by shadowy figures who looked just like me. The pinball machine then started walking away from all of us. We all ran to the pinball machine, some being squished by the crowd, some becoming exhausted and giving up.

I eventually climbed to the top of the pinball machine and watched as everyone who didn’t make it up was electrocuted without a moment’s notice. “That could’ve been me...” I thought. I just skirted death and was tired so I sat down for a break. The pinball machine stopped walking so I had no chance of falling off.

After my break, I went back into the pinball machine and went back to Zeus’ house. I saw a pizza delivery guy walk over to the door and asked who he was delivering to.

“Zeus”, the deliveryman replied.

“Oh, so I am at the right place.” I said back.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about... But cool!” The deliveryman said.

Zeus walked to the door and greeted the deliveryman, but not me.

“I need to have a word with you!” Yelled Zeus.

I gulped and walked into the residence of Zeus.

“Sit down...” said Zeus.

I promptly sat down and listened to Zeus as he went on a babble about how I always should give his robots what they want and that I’m in the wrong for not giving the lime candy.

“Okay, Jesus!” I said the Zeus.

“One: don’t mention that name here. And two: don’t you dare give me that attitude. I will smite you to into oblivion.” Yelled Zeus.

I gulped again. I was scared to death of Zeus. I didn’t want to be hurt by him yet I wondered how painful it would be at the same time.

“For punishment for ruining my pizza order, you will be killing the evil hamsters under my bed and their hell spawn children.” Commanded Zeus.

“Aye Aye” I replied.

I got to work. I grabbed a vaccine from Zeus’ wall and started jabbing the hamsters and throwing them away. It was easy work, until the mother and father hamster came out to play. The hamsters grabbed and tied me to the wall. The hamsters then set a candle underneath me and laughed hysterically.

I remembered I had a burger made out of ghost meat in my pocket. I told the hamsters about the oh so delicious hamburger in my pocket and they went over to grab it. The moment they tasted the burger, their mouths puckered and they vomited immediately. Then the hamsters started to vomit their organs out and die a miserable death. The job was finally over.

I yelled for Zeus to untie me and he ran over and cut the ropes that bound me so tight. I was finally free from the hamster’s wrath. I asked Zeus if I could be sent home because I needed to go get a couch for my house because I haven’t had a good couch in a while. He agreed and sent me back to Fall Free with a vaccine.

I was now back at Fall Free, vaccine in hand. I knew exactly what I had to do. I went up to the couch and jabbed it with the vaccine. But not without a fight. It tried eating my arm but I dodged the fangs quickly. I slapped it on the vaccine wound and it then died shortly. I then sat on the couch and relaxed my body. “This was a long day”, I thought. I then was able to take the couch back to my place with it sitting in the back of my truck, dead.

Published Nov. 20th, 2021