The Unnamed Protagonist


Tabriz, Iran, April 19th, 2005. I used to be rich but all of that has gone crashing down. The value of gold has significantly dropped for some odd reason. All my money was invested in gold and now it’s worth almost nothing. I must get to the bottom of this happening and find out who is behind all of this.

I grabbed my coat, a snack, my car keys and set out for my car. My brother came over to me and asked where I was going.

“To get to the bottom of this gold value drop.” I replied.

“May I go too?” asked my brother.

I decided to let him come with me. We both headed towards the car when I contemplated where the person behind this stark drop in value could be. Then I remembered a suspicious gold broker that opened back in the plaza a year ago. They must be the ones behind the drop in gold value.

In my car, I turn the heat on since it’s cold out. I let my brother eat my snack because I wasn’t feeling too hungry anyways. After I pulled out, I decided to go to Burger King first so I could have some lunch later. It wasn’t that long of a drive from my place, so it was a reasonable first destination.

At burger king, I ordered a few cheeseburgers and a root beer for myself. I ordered my brother the same. We sat down for a bit to watch the television. At first, the news reporter was talking about the drop in gold’s value, then the reporter started speaking directly to me, shouting personal insults. I was confused and afraid about the situation, so I ran back to my car.

Back in my car, I decided to finally go to the gold broker. The gold broker business was a Dairy Queen which was an odd choice of iconography. I decided not to ponder the iconography and continued driving.

At the Dairy Queen, I was just about to go talk to the employees when a trapdoor opened underneath me. I fell into an area with fallen leaves scattered about and giant dead trees that had most of the wood taken out of the turned over trunks. There were also ticks that were yellow and had big brown legs. My little brother tried touching one of the ticks and I slapped his hand and told him not to touch.

I grabbed a fork out of my pocket and stuck it into one of the ticks. A weird clear fluid went squirting out of the tick after I stabbed it. Immediately after the tick died, I heard a checkmark sound. “This must be good” I thought. I started stabbing more ticks until a ringer sounded.

A woman dropped from the sky. She asked if I wanted to see a few videos game characters she made. I agreed to what she asked.

“You’re going to need to throw up if you want to see them.” The woman said.

I immediately threw up and then a vision of the video game characters appeared in my mind. I was promptly slapped in the face by the woman and left unconscious. Why these things happen to me, I do not know. My brother was trying to wake me up for hours on end, but to no avail.

After I woke up, I was in a factory. I saw pieces of celery being squished into juice. “Who would even drink celery juice? That’s nasty.” I thought to myself. I decided to explore the factory, lo and behold, the celery juice was being poured onto the gold. “This must be what’s dropping the value of gold”, I thought to myself.

Now that I figured out what was ruining gold, I just had to find who was responsible for this dire situation. I explored the factory some more, disabling machinery that was ruining the gold. I then found a door made of celery that was locked. I kicked the door down and it led me to a room full of gold.

As I entered the room, I saw a black floating mask drinking celery juice. The mask looked directly at me and asked who I was.

“I don’t know who I am”, I replied.

“Fool”, said the mask.

The mask tried grabbing me with its mouth, but I narrowly avoided its attacks. I saw an exposed wire at the back of the room. I grabbed my fork and stabbed the exposed wire. All the electricity was shut down in the factory. The mask started yelling swears and tried finding me but with no fruits of labor produced.

I left the dark factory. I saw a giant celery stalk grow from the ground up to where I fell from originally. All the ticks were gone from the area and my brother trailed behind me. As I climbed up the celery stalk, I noticed the factory catch on fire and explode. The black mask flew out of the ruins hurriedly.

At the Dairy Queen, the workers were giving me dirty and evil eyes. I decided to leave and not squabble with them. I hopped into my car and ate the burger king I left behind. It was a delicious reward for destroying the entity behind the ruining of gold. Odd how celery was used to taint the gold and ruin the pricing of it.

Back at home, I watched television with my brother. The news reported informed that the value of gold was back on an upward trend. I congratulated my now rich self.

Published Dec. 11th, 2021