The Unnamed Protagonist


Numata, Japan, March 25th, 2001. I was eating ice cubes when my tooth chipped bad. My mind and mouth in agony, I watched as the broken shard of tooth hit the table ever so gently. I didn’t know what to do, I was stuck with a broken tooth. Then, the picture of a dog on television started moving and talking to me.

“Go to the zoologist to get your tooth fixed. He’s only a mile away from your current whereabouts. Sayonara.” Said the dog.

I knew where the zoologist was, it was only a matter of will I get there with minimal pain. I took some pain medications and hoped for the best. I set foot outside my door and started my car. Then, I decided to go back in and thank the dog, sadly the dog in the picture looked at me and urged the news anchor to take the camera off itself. I went back outside and hopped back into my vehicle.

The road was icy, nobody had placed salt on the road. The black ice was especially bad today as my vehicle was veering a bit on turns. Fearing for my safety, I go way slower than what the speed limit says. The speed limit is $580 miles per second, but I was driving at a speed of ten miles per hour. Feeling a sense of safety, I reached my destination. No more icy road driving.

The zoologist was closed. What a great time to have a broken tooth. There was a space man standing next to the closed doors all jittery and freaking out like something had happened. I went up to the space man to talk. Urgently, the space man screamed:

“Hurry up! You must get to the telephone room before my watch goes off! The phone room is on the top floor of this plaza building!”

I looked up and saw a building with a picture of a telephone on it. I hurried over to the plaza building and ran inside. Inside, there were bubbles and pink dolphins swimming on the carpet. As elegant as they were, I didn’t have time to admire them. While running up the stairs, I tripped and slid down an entire story. Luckily, I recovered quickly.

At the top of the plaza, I was almost at the phone room when suddenly, the space man came out of nowhere and screamed at me.

“Time is up! God damnit! You suck and I hate you!” Said the space man.

A man with sunglasses walked out of the telephone room with a gun in hand. I was worried I was going to be killed but it appears that the man had a different plan.

“Ahaha, well, here's a gun to kill yourself with! Ciao.” Said the man with sunglasses.

With the gun being placed in my hands, I felt this was my only option. I can’t stand living with a broken tooth. I point the gun above the back of my ear and pull the trigger. I felt something sharp hit the side of my head. It was a dove that came out of the gun, leaving my unharmed aside from the poke of the beak.

Apparently, the man had left after he gave me the gun. But he did come back over to me.

“I can't actually believe you did that, now get in here you rascal.” Said the main with sunglasses.

I was grabbed by the arm and pulled into the telephone room by the man with sunglasses while he was laughing hysterically. I was fearing for my life, worse than I had earlier.

In the telephone room, there was a floating mask dressed in a doctor’s outfit with the nametag saying “Mr. Zuu”. That mask must be the doctor because Zuu sounds like the word zoo, and I was going to see a zoologist. I felt safe after that realization.

“Give me the damn broken tooth piece now!” exclaimed the mask.

I handed over the broken tooth piece. The mask chewed it up and spat out a bunch of toothpaste.

“Eat the toothpaste now.” said the mask.

I got down on all fours and started licking the toothpaste from the ground. I saw the mask and the man with sunglasses snickering at me, but they stopped right as I looked at them. I then finished consuming the toothpaste. I instantly felt queasy. Then I started coughing up blood. Both the mask and the man with sunglasses started laughing at me hysterically. I fell unconscious shortly.

“I was supposed to kill you ages ago, but I’ve been watching you for a while now. You seem to be a very important person who does unimportant things. I’ll let you go for now.” Said the man with sunglasses.

I felt like I was barely alive when I heard that coming from the man with sunglasses.

“Go to Gold Mountain, it’s right through this door. At the peak of the mountain, you will have your tooth repaired by my friend for free.” Said the man with sunglasses.

Finally feeling normal, I thank the man with sunglasses for sparing my life and leave the room. I saw a sign that read “金”. I don’t know what the special symbol means but I assume it relates to Gold Mountain. I look out ahead and I see a shiny yellow mountain. “That must be Gold Mountain!” I thought.

I looked around at the ground and I saw a field of thorny strawberry bushes. I tried walking through the strawberry bushes, but they started grabbing my legs with their thorns and pulling me to the ground. Only then did I realize there were bones scattered about the strawberry field. The strawberry bushes must be holding people down, so they die and then turn to fertilizer.

I must make my painful escape. I grabbed my pair of scissors and cut the strawberry stems from around my legs and started running. My legs were getting snagged badly on the thorns. Eventually, I escaped from the field. I looked down at my legs and saw lots of blood pouring out. I was in a lot of pain, but that pain didn’t hurt worse than my broken tooth.

I was at the base of Gold Mountain. It felt like an easy climb. There was nothing interesting happening. Then I noticed people having a popcorn party. I joined in on the fun and had some popcorn. Then I remembered my broken tooth and got upset immediately. The cotton ball that was sitting next to me got up and slapped me in the face for “being ungrateful”. I wasn’t being ungrateful, it’s just that I was reminded of my broken tooth.

After I left the party, I found a piece of jasper on the ground and decided to take it with me. The climb still felt very easy. Then there were giant watermelons that were rolling down where I was climbing. It was a risky climb, but I attempted it. I was almost hit by a watermelon quite a few times. Luckily, I made it through.

I was now at the top of Gold Mountain. I saw a goblin sitting down like it was waiting for someone. I then started talking to the goblin.

“You saved that jasper, right?” asked the goblin.

I replied with “Yes”.

“Chew that jasper and place this plunger over your head”, said the goblin.

I followed the instructions. I then took the plunger off my head, and I was back at home. My tooth pain had gone away. I looked in the mirror and my broken tooth was fixed. I then went over to my freezer, grabbed the ice tray, and slammed it against the wall, shattering it.

Published Dec. 14th, 2021