The Unnamed Protagonist


Wenzhou, China, September 4th, 2009. My computer had a severe adware infection. I had no clue on how to remove it. The infection was so bad to the point where the pop-ups were starting to appear in the real world. Every time I wanted to go to my room, I had to tap the x on quite a few pop-ups, and they’d just reappear after I left.

On my computer was this weird search engine called “Trovi”. I tried removing Trovi from my computer, but it would just re-hijack my browser immediately. There was nothing I could do about this adware infection besides consulting a professional. There was one way I could get ahold of a professional, and that’s going to the anti-malware heaven and consulting with one of the gods there.

Now that I’m on my way to the anti-malware heaven, I had to run a few errands. I must go to my local grocery store for some groceries, go to the gas station, and grab a bite to eat. I decided to go to the gas station first since I needed gas badly. I only had a quarter of a tank left of gas. I then drove over to the gas station.

At the gas station, there were many cars. The place was packed with idiots. I don’t know how I was able to get gas, but I pushed through and got to the pump. I spent thirty yen on gasoline needed to fuel my vehicle. After pumping the gas, I checked my gas gauge and it displayed as full. I was ready to go to other places.

Driving on the road, I got distracted by a flock of birds flying around when suddenly, my car crashed into some sort of wall. My vehicle’s Geiger counter screamed obnoxiously. I looked ahead and saw the text “PC Optimizer Pro”. That pop-up nearly killed me, and it totaled my vehicle.

The PC Optimizer pro was “scanning” my computer now. A whole bunch of fake viruses appeared on the pop-up screen, and it said I had to pay to get them removed. Obviously, I refused to pay. I closed out of the pop-up using my cell phone’s buttons and it worked.

Now that my car was totaled, I had to walk to the grocery store. Luckily, it wasn’t that far away. It was only a mile walk which doesn’t take too long. I was tired but I knew I’d be able to rest at the grocery store because they had tables.

After walking for a while, I finally made it to the grocery store. I went in and bought a bunch of sushi to replenish my energy. The food tasted delicious, but my stomach started to feel queasy afterwards. I rushed to the restroom and vomited blood. The toilet I vomited in grabbed a hammer out from behind it, hit me on the head hard, and then ate me. All I heard after I was hit was a gulp sound.

I was transported to the anti-malware heaven. Lucky me. I searched around for a god to consult but all I saw were blue star pillows consuming the clouds there. I continued to search until I found a temple with the word “OS” on the sign at the roof of the building. I then entered the temple in search of a god to consult.

Inside the temple were a whole bunch of old computers from the 90s. I looked around and saw an old man sitting at a desk, alone. I asked him if he was a god.

“I was hit by a train, but now I’ve been promoted to godhood for my work on Earth.” the old man said.

I asked for the old man’s name, but he just replied with “I’m just as confused as you are”. Whatever that meant, I don’t know. I asked if he could help me remove a vicious piece of adware off my computer.

He replied with “Do you see your neighbor’s house from up here? It’s on fire. Want to know what happened after that? Your damn adware scammed them out of the money to rebuild their house. Look at what you’ve done. This is all your fault. You’ve gotten to many favors from gods and it’s time to stop. This is your last one. We’ve gotten many reports of you asking several different gods for favors damnit.”

The old man then started chanting “Polytheistic wrath! “. I don’t remember the last time I asked a god for any favor. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever asked a god for a favor; it was always the god who gifted without me asking. The old man then started speaking to me again.

“Here’s the anti-malware executable mech. It will follow you back down to Earth where it will destroy the adware that plagues you so awfully.” Said the old man.

I was swiftly transported back to my house by the anti-malware god, along with the anti-malware executable mech. The mech immediately saw my computer and started smashing it to pieces.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I screamed.

That computer was a good two million yen, all down the drain now. On the bright side, the adware dispersed immediately after my computer was destroyed.

Published Dec. 20th, 2021