The Unnamed Protagonist


Omsk, Russia, November 1st, 2000. I was starving but there was no food around me that looked appealing. I was at an organ harvesting feast run by a bunch of space warlords. What they did was capture their enemies, harvest their organs, and serve the organs as food. Very odd idea for a festival indeed.

I saw space creatures getting their bodies dissected and their organs being taken out. It was a disgusting sight, but it still didn’t kill my appetite. There were some tasty looking fried legs, so I decided to go try some of those. Suddenly, I heard sirens.

“What’s happening?” I screamed.

“We’re busted! The gods are after us!” shouted one of the space warlords.

The space warlords grabbed out their rifles and started shooting at the gods but to no avail. A lot of them were shot and killed immediately. All the found organs were seized, bagged up, and taken. Some of the warlords chickened out and ran away.

I tried running away as quickly as I could but one of the god’s dogs caught up with me. It appeared as if they were specifically targeting me as I was the first being chased down. I then looked around only to find that space warlords who tried escaping were getting arrested left and right, myself included. I was then taken into an Ophanim and sent off to a heaven.

In the heaven I was brought to, there were many temples. I tried looking around, but I got slapped in the face and told to look forward. I didn’t even know why I was in trouble. I was afraid of what would happen to me.

I was brought to a temple called “court”. This must be where I’ll get tried for any possible crimes I may have committed. Still fearing for the future, I tried to break free and run, but instead I was just shocked and detained.

I was now in a heaven’s court. There were many angels sitting in the stands while I was thrown at a table in the front of the courtroom. My bones hurt badly after being abused and thrown like that. I tried keeping my composure, but it was difficult to. My entire mind was a mess of anguish and disgust.

“All hail the cheese!” said the judge.

Everyone then sat down in their seats and the court session went on.

“Here, we have video evidence of the defendant asking numerous gods for favors, not even helping them in return. At the time, we didn’t know how many gods our defendant had requested favors from, until the gods started communicating with each other. The gods who were taken advantage of each submitted video evidence against the defendant. We collected over three-hundred videos of the defendant asking for favors from the gods. Normally, a person is only allowed three, maybe even four if they’re lucky.”

I don’t remember asking any gods for favors. The judge played a long video of “me” talking to gods, asking them for favors. The person in the video was not me, but also looked just like me. I asked how they knew it was me. I got responded with “I don’t know”. That little remark upset me, so I slammed my fists on the table and demanded to be freed.

“I sentence you to crucifixion.” the judge said.

Many racing thoughts were blazing through my mind. It can’t end like this. There was one way I could escape the fate of certain death and that was to try and endure the crucifixion. I can’t let myself rest peacefully during the crucifixion otherwise I would die. If I don’t die, I’ll be released back to Earth, a free man.

My appetite was still raging. I haven’t eaten for a while now. I asked if I would be provided with food and the judge said “Raw fish. Take it or leave it. You’ll get it during breakfast, lunch, and dinner”. I liked fish so this was a win for me.

I was manhandled by the cuffs and brought into a cell. My cellmate was a giant gorilla with tattoos that read “Love & War”. I was intimidated by this giant gorilla, but he held out his hand to greet me. He shook my hand so hard that I was being thrown up and down. I asked him why he did that and he said he didn’t mean to do that. I was just glad I made a strong new friend in a prison of who knows holds what dangers.

Eventually, dinner time came rolling around. I was starving and I needed food badly. I tried cutting in line but I got punched and kicked immediately. The guards had to take the prisoners off me. I was wounded badly from that encounter. Then, my new friend Gorilla picked me up and set me on his back. He was trying to keep me safe from the other prisoners.

After waiting a while in line, I finally got my raw fish. I immediately ate it, leaving nothing but bones behind. Finally, my appetite was satisfied.

Published Dec. 21st, 2021