The Unnamed Protagonist


Vancouver, British Columbia, Sep 13th, 2002. It was a cool morning, not too cold, just right. The breeze was nice on my skin. Just thinking about it gives me goosebumps. I went to go check my mail because I thought it was the right time to do so. And boy was I right. I had gotten a party invitation! That really made my day.

At the party, I met a kid named "Billy Bob Jr." Nice kid. He introduced himself to me right away. The host of the party was a tall pink alien with an exposed brain, cute eyes, and four legs with suction cups for feet. Very interesting creature. The last notable guest was a giant turtle who walked on two legs, didn't have much of a personality except for being a bit of a hothead. Kind of boring to me.

We were celebrating the 10001010111-year arrival of the "Hotline Baby," whoever that is, I don't know. We had hamburgers, hotdogs, you name it. I fattened myself off a few juicy hamburgers. The chef was very nice to us, his only notable trait. Of course, he was wearing the typical chef hat and white clothing. No hair net, which kind of disgusted me but nonetheless, I still ate.

The time is now, the Hotline Baby's arrival here on earth. Personally, I was excited. It seemed like everyone else felt so likewise. Suddenly, a mountain appeared. It had a shrine atop it. Oddly, a timer appeared in my vision. This must be a race I thought. I started running towards the hill only to be blocked by tons of people who are just like me. I started pushing and shoving my way through the people and finally made my way to the base of the mountain. I talked to some dude standing there with a bike pump, he gave me a bag of chips after a short discourse.

Time was almost up, I tried to run faster. I didn't make it in time. All of a sudden I lost control of my body and was sucked into a laptop.

I was dazed and confused. I had no idea where I was. I looked around and I was in a land full of pillows and grass. I proceeded to walk around, looking for any signs of life. After a while of searching, I found a phonebook. The only number in it was "202-555-0129". I tried calling it on my clamshell phone. I heard static for a minute until I heard a faint voice telling me to find a door on the red pillow.

Twenty minutes later, I found the door on the red pillow. It leads me to a place with surreal Non-Euclidean geometry. Many vibrant colored shapes and a white sky. After a while of walking, I was getting thirsty and there was water in the shape of a cube floating in the air. I decided to try some of it but it made me feel queasy. After a moment I vomited. The vomit took the shape of a door. I then entered the vomit door, feeling a bit grossed out.

The next world was filled with tangled telephone wires and bright lights. It was hard to see because the lights burned my eyes but I was still able to navigate. I saw the same shrine like the one on the mountain. This must be the Hotline Baby's domain I thought. I climbed the shrine and I saw a white rotary dial telephone with eyeballs. I was utterly confused, is this the Hotline Baby? The Hotline Baby then blinked and waved with an invisible arm. "That clears up the confusion" I thought. I was amazed at such divinity. All of those worlds were a part of Hotline Baby's domain. I then asked for an autograph and I got one on my forehead. I was then given a ticket back to Earth.

Back at the party again, people were still there, apparently, they had met the Hotline Baby while I was traveling through its domain. The giant turtle seemed agitated, however. I wondered why he was so mad. Was he mad at someone, something, me??? He then looked right at me.

"You..." He said.

"Give me that autograph right now."

I didn't want to give it to him. Maybe he didn't get an autograph. It seemed as if nobody else wanted to give up theirs either. The giant turtle stared at me even more viciously, as if he's plotting a malicious action. He then ran towards me, I tried running away but he grabbed me and slammed my body to the ground. With a great big smile, he ripped the skin off my forehead. That was painful. The host of the party called an ambulance for me.

At the hospital, I woke up with new skin on my forehead. I wondered what happened. Then I saw Billy Bob Jr. with a stitch on his forehead. He told me that I had the skin ripped off my forehead and underwent surgery using a skin graft he donated. God was I thankful, he's a very nice kid. I watched the news on the television in my room and I saw a mugshot of that turtle who nearly killed me. I chortled as I knew that hothead was going to get capital punishment or serve life in prison.

Afterward, I decided to stay in the hospital for a while longer. I really needed the rest. I got to enjoy the cool breeze coming from the fan in my room.

Published Nov. 3rd, 2021