The Unnamed Protagonist


Hertfordshire, England, July 2nd, 2001. I was in a heaven. I needed to be transported to hell so I could have a chit chat with Hades. But first, I need to get this dog tag lab tested. The dog tag reads “Hades’ #1”. I need to talk to Hades about the dog tag but I’m not sure if it actually came from hell or not. If it did come from hell, I’ll be having a lovely chat with hades. My doppelganger was the one who dropped the dog tag in question.

I went looking around for a laboratory but to no avail. I was literally in a heaven city. How could there not be a laboratory? Then, I saw an avocado strolling across the street. I asked the avocado where the laboratory was.

“Ham Ham Ham. Do you like ham?” replied the avocado.

“That is not my damn question. Where’s the damn laboratory. I need to get this dog tag scanned.” I said back.

“Ham.” said the avocado.

“I’ll make guacamole out of you if you don’t give me the damn answer you fool.” I replied.

“Okay, okay. Damn man. Jesus Christ man. You can just go to the god of this heaven to get your dog tag scanned. There’s no need for a laboratory.” said the avocado.

Now if only I knew where the god of this heaven was. I decided not to bother the avocado anymore as it appeared the avocado was fearing for its life now. Since I was in a city, I decided the best place to go to was city hall. Maybe the god is in there. I didn’t want to walk over there so I had to get myself a taxi.

I called a taxi and it came almost immediately. The car had a logo of a shoe with wings on it.

“Where to?” asked the taxi driver.

“To city hall, please and thank you.” I replied.

I gave the taxi driver a few dollars and we went driving towards the city hall. Suddenly, a giant robot bunny fell from the sky and crushed a few buildings. The bunny then started jumping around destroying the city. I had a vaccine in my pocket, so I tried reaching the bunny on foot, but it was too fast. Then, I asked the taxi driver if we could race over to the giant bunny.

We were rapidly approaching the giant robot bunny. With my vaccine in hand, I try injecting the bunny to paralyze it but nothing happened. I gave up after that. I decided to let the bunny go rampant because I couldn’t do anything about it. Then, a lightning bolt hit the bunny square in the head.

The bunny started running away from the city. But I saw a man flying through the air zapping the bunny while it was running away. The bunny’s back was getting burned badly by the lightning. But eventually, the bunny escaped the city and went off on its own merry way.

The man then flew into the city hall building. I tried walking over to the city hall since I was close but there were too many people walking around. The streets were busy as all hell. Then, the taxi driver drove right through the crowd of people, clearing a way for me. I thanked the taxi driver and entered the city hall building.

In the city hall building, there were tons of angels scattered about the building. The navigation was in a language I couldn’t read at all, nor a language I have ever seen. I tried asking around for directions to the god, but I got no response from them. The angels must have been very busy.

I found my way over to the restroom, luckily. I had to use the restroom badly, so this truly is a blessing from a god. I then finished up in the restroom. I went over to wash my hands when I saw my doppelganger behind me in the mirror. I tried throwing soap at the doppelganger, but he quickly evaded my attack by climbing down one of the toilets.

I then left the restroom and saw the same man who fought the giant robot bunny from earlier.

“Are you a god?” I asked the man.

“Yes, I am, what do you need?” replied the god.

“I need you to scan this dog tag and if it appears it’s from hell, please give me an Ophanim ride over to hell. I need to speak with hades.” I told the god.

“Oh, sure. That’s easy for me to do. Just hand over that dog tag of yours and I’ll scan it with my ultra-vision.” replied the god.

I handed the dog tag over to the god and he looked at it closely.

“Yep, it’s from hell. Now, about that Ophanim ride. Would you like first class?” said the god.

“Why yes, but why are you being so nice to me?” I asked.

“Well, I know of your current circumstances. I hope you know I don’t blame you.” said the god.

I was promptly pushed into an ophanim and brought down into hell. I finally reached hell.

Published Dec. 22nd, 2021