XLV
Lagos, Nigeria, October 20th, 2004. I needed to talk to Hades about this dog tag I found from my doppelganger. The dog tag read “Hades’ #1”. After days of thinking, I can only come to the conclusion that Hades is the one behind my doppelganger. But why? I didn’t do anything to anger him. I have to go confront hades in his lair and kill that doppelganger of mine. That doppelganger has caused too much trouble under my reputation.
Getting out of my motel bed, I watched as rats and cockroaches scurried across the floor. It was a disgusting sight, enough to make me vomit the bed. “Great, now I can’t go back to bed” I thought. I didn’t want to be fined for what I just did so I left my room. Not without grabbing my vaccine first. I had a feeling I’d need it for later.
In the lobby, I requested a free ride from the motel’s taxi service. The taxi immediately showed up in the driveway and I got in. The driver was missing his eyes and he was wearing a tuxedo. The man also had a CRT television in the back seat of the taxi.
I had to cross blood ocean if I wanted to go to Hades’ lair. There were three parts to Hades’ lair: the castle, the lair, and the core. The core was where Hades’ room was. The outer layer was the castle, and the middle layer was the lair. I learned this information from a Greek mythology book I read a few years ago.
The taxi then drove through blood ocean’s beach and drove straight into the water. The ugly fish disturbed me, but I knew they couldn’t touch me because the windows were up. Thank a god for windows.
The taxi driver navigated surprisingly well for someone with no eyes. He knew where the coral was so he wouldn’t run over the colonies. The coral was becoming endangered, and I respect my taxi driver for respecting their territory. Next, we passed a McDonald’s. The manager of the McDonalds waved at me through the window, so I waved back.
Suddenly, a crack formed in the window of the taxi. “I’m doomed” I thought. Then, the window busted open, filling our taxi with water. I grabbed the taxi driver, and I swam upwards, to the surface of the water. Upon reaching the surface, I found an island not far away. I then proceeded to swim over to the island, with the taxi driver in my other arm.
I reached the island. It was like a paradise, it had meat scattered about the sand and fruits hanging on the trees. I decided to have myself a lovely feast of some chicken and mangoes. The taxi driver ate some bananas and fish. After that nice meal, I decided to take a rest in a nearby cave.
After a few hours nap, I exited the cave only to find that the taxi driver had robbed me of my vaccine. There was a sign made by the taxi driver that read “Cya later, loser!”. Oh, did that make me angry. I started punching the palm trees down, then I realized there was still food. So, I decided to eat some more. The food improved my mood greatly.
I watched as a pelican came down to swoop at me. However, it didn’t try to eat me. The pelican flew down to talk to me.
“I heard you were looking for Hades. Am I not correct?” the pelican asked.
“Why, yes I am.” I replied.
The pelican put me in its mouth and started flying with me in its mouth. I could see the entirety of hell from up here. Hell is boxed in by four walls, all of which are extremely sturdy. Hades probably didn’t want anyone to find a way to escape hell. There was no roof to the box, however.
Eventually I was flown over to Hades’ lair. It was a large castle with guards and a lava moat surrounding it. “Just the kind of fun I was looking for” I thought. I was swiftly dropped off at Hades’ castle. I paid the pelican with a fish I had kept in my pocket. I was thanked dearly for the fish.
At Hades’ palace, the guards confronted me. I told them I was entering for business reasons and the guards let me enter. The atmosphere was very hot because of the lava, and my nose was stuffy from how dry the air was. There was no humidity at all. How does Hades even live like this twenty-four seven?
I know I needed to get to the core of Hades’ castle if I wanted to meet with him. Luckily, the map I had on me told me exactly where to go. I traveled through the hallways, with guards laughing at me. I wondered why they were laughing at me. Then I realized I had no pants on, only underwear. I quickly went to the restroom and made some pants out of toilet paper.
I was back in the hallway. The guards stopped laughing at me and went their own way. I continued to look for the core of Hades’ castle. I eventually did find the core, but the door was locked. I looked through the window and saw Hades drinking from a shot glass.
A humanoid crocodile walked by me and asked if I needed to access the core. I obviously replied with yes. Then, the crocodile grabbed a leaf blower, and blew the door open. Well, that solves that conundrum.
Hades looked me right in the eyes and laughed. I wondered why he was laughing. Was it my pants again? I looked down and still saw my toilet paper pants. I then walked over to Hades and asked if he was responsible for the “Hades’ #1” dog tag.
“Oh, I created that doppelganger for you as a prank. Hahaha. Now gimme that dog tag now.” said Hades.
Hades grabbed the dog tag out of my hands while giggling at me. Then, I saw my doppelganger walk out of Hades’ personal restroom.
“What’s the meaning of Hades’ #1” I asked.
“Oh, he’s my first perfect human creation. Every other attempt of mine has been a tragic failure.” Hades replied.
“Why me?” I asked.
“Oh, I just wanted to prank you. That’s all. You will be fighting your doppelganger to the death though. Starting now!” said Hades.
Hades snapped his fingers and the doppelganger, and I were instantly teleported to a colosseum. We were both told to fight to the death using our fists and any weapons we had in our pockets. I would’ve had a vaccine to fight with if it weren’t for that damn taxi driver.
The doppelganger and I fist fought. We were landing sick punches at each other when suddenly, the doppelganger grabbed a dagger out of his pocket. “It can’t end like this” I thought. I was swiftly stabbed several times in the chest.
Published Dec. 22nd, 2021