The Unnamed Protagonist


Madrid, Spain, March 21st, 2000. The eyeball god told me he doesn’t have much time left. Whatever that statement meant, I had to find out. I was worried for the safety of the eyeball god. My best bet on finding what the eyeball god meant is to find a bible and read through it.

I found a dancing robot dancing out in the middle of nowhere in the heaven I was in. I decided to go ask it if it knew where the nearest bible was.

“Want to know where the bible of this heaven is? Inside of my chest. How will you get it? By beating me in a dance competition!” said the dancing robot.

Sounds easy enough, or at least so I thought. A crowd of angels and people came to watch, and a theatre was erected from the clouds. I was scared, the robot started making insane dance moves that I could not replicate even slightly. I started sweating from how much I had to move. That day, I learned I was not a good dancer.

After twenty minutes of dancing, I lost miserably. The dancing robot started laughing at me.

“Better luck next time, sweetie. Ciao” said the dancing robot.

The robot then went back over to its original place and danced while the crowd dissipated. Here I was, stuck with no bible to read. I then decided to find a dance academy to join, and hopefully beat the dancing robot in the next competition. There was one dance academy in the city, and it was ran by an Italian wrestler. I forgot the name of the Italian wrestler.

I went over to the city. The city was busy as usual, with tons of angels and people traversing the sidewalks. Ophanims were cruising through the streets. Just the typical city life.

I located the dance academy I was looking for. The dance academy was called “Captain Lou Albano’s Dance Academy.”. That name sounded familiar. I then went into the dance academy looking for help.

“Hey, how can I-uh help you?” asked a man who came out from the back.

“I need help learning how to dance. I need to claim a bible from a dancing robot, but I have to beat it in a dancing competition before I can get it.” I replied.

“Oh, don’t-ah worry my friend. My name is Captain Lou Albano, and I am a god of dancing.”

What perfect circumstances, meeting the god of dancing right when I needed to learn how to dance. Today is shaping to be a good day for me.

“Let’s go to the back. I’ll give you private dancing lessons my paisano.” said Captain Lou Albano.

We went into the back where Captain Lou Albano had to go use the restroom. He handed me clothing that Super Mario would wear.

“Uh, let-uh me get changed first!” Captain Lou Albano said.

I waited a few minutes for Captain Lou Albano to finish using the restroom. Then, he came out, wearing the same clothing he gave me, and was holding a twelve pack of hard alcohol.

“Now, to dance, we’re going to need to be quite a bit tipsy.” Captain Lou Albano said.

Captain Lou Albano handed me over six cans of alcohol. I got to drinking. Then, I got to my fourth can and vomited. This alcohol was very strong. I tried walking to the restroom when I was abruptly stopped by Captain Lou Albano.

“Nope, drink-uh all of-uh them.” said Captain Lou Albano.

I got back to drinking. I felt very sick to the stomach like I was about to vomit again. I eventually pounded the rest of the alcohol and could barely stand.

“All right. We’ll be doing the Mario.” Captain Lou Albano said in a drunk voice.

“I want you to swing your arms from side to side. Can you do that?” asked Captain Lou Albano.

I swung my arms from side to side; albeit slowly as I was drunk.

“Take one step, and then again.” ordered Captain Lou Albano.

I took one step and then again. I think I’m getting the hang of this new dance. I kept swinging my arms from side to side and taking one step and then again. Captain Lou Albano visibly agreed with my dance.

“Let’s do the Mario, all together now!” exclaimed Captain Lou Albano.

We both did the Mario dance together, our dance moves synchronized perfectly.

“Come on now, it’s just like that!” exclaimed Captain Lou Albano in a drunken singing voice.

I finished up my dancing lesson. Captain Lou Albano walked over and pat me on the back.

“You did good, now let’s go teach that dancing robot a lesson, shall we?” asked Captain Lou Albano.

We both drunkenly walked throughout the city, harassing people and getting the cops called on us a few times. We were only warned by the police, thankfully. Then, we got back over to the dancing robot.

“So, up for a rematch, newbie?” asked the dancing robot.

“I’ll show you... Let’s dance right now!” I yelled drunkenly.

“Jesus, okay man.” replied the dancing robot.

The stage was re-erected, and the crowd drew close again. The robot started dancing but my drunken dance made the crowd scream in awe.

“No, this can’t be happening!” exclaimed the dancing robot.

Suddenly, the head of the robot flew off its body into my hands.

“I could’ve given you the bible, I just wanted a fair dancing match.” said the dancing robot.

I walked over to the dancing robot’s lifeless body and grabbed the bible out from the centerpiece. The bible was extremely thick and heavy. I nearly dropped the bible because of how heavy it was. I then opened the bible and started reading.

Most of the pages were blank. I then flipped through the blank pages to the end. The last page read “Our god is destined to die --------”. The line on the last sentence changed into the text “tomorrow”. The eyeball god was dying tomorrow. That’s what the eyeball god meant with “It’s almost my time to go.”.

Published Dec. 24th, 2021