The Unnamed Protagonist


Bellevue, WA, April 16th, 2006. My heaven was under attack, and I needed to find a way to ward the attackers off. The attackers were blue star pillows eating my heaven, supported by flying kangaroos who were throwing bombs everywhere. The blue star pillows were the most of my problem as they caused the most destruction by eating my heaven. I know I can use my pyrokinesis to burn the blue star pillows, but the kangaroos were a different story.

I went over to the blue star pillows to burn them, only to find myself having bombs thrown at me by the kangaroos. I ran into cover as the kangaroos chased me down. I tried using my pyrokinesis to detonate the bombs in the kangaroo’s pouch, but it didn’t work. Then I noticed the fuse of the bomb was icy. The kangaroos were using ice to detonate the bombs, not fire, which meant I couldn’t use my pyrokinesis.

Suddenly, a whole bunch of large flies with vacuum cleaners came jumping at me. The flies didn’t fly but they jumped around to move. I had to get running otherwise I’d be doomed to die in a vacuum. Luckily, my pyrokinesis easily worked on the flies as they jumped away on fire, but causing collateral damage at the same time. “Damn it!” I thought.

I grabbed a fire extinguisher to ward off the flies. The fire extinguisher blew cold wind at the flies, blowing them off course. I was able to knock some of the flies off the clouds. But the flies were relentless. They all still chased me, even after witnessing their brethren die.

I saw a comet flying in the sky, preparing to hit my heaven. Then, it stopped right before it hit the clouds.

“Hey, I’m the stardust star, how may I assist you? I saw your heaven was under attack and I’d like to defend it. I love fighting!” said the comet.

“Yes please, I need help fighting these creatures.” I replied.

The stardust star grabbed a hockey stick out from its back and started hitting the creatures with it, knocking them off the clouds. I went over to go burn the star pillows. The star pillows were easy to kill because they were susceptible to fire. Killing the star pillows with pyrokinesis saved me lots of time.

I watched as the stardust star hit bombs back at the kangaroos, exploding them.

“Good job!” I exclaimed.

“I love doing this. My work is cut out for me.” replied the stardust star.

Suddenly, I saw a pirate ship above me, flying through the air. The pirate ship was dropping rocks that turned into golems. The golems started slowly moving towards my temple. I knew the golems were strong enough to break down my temple, which meant they became a time constraint for me. After the golems are eliminated, I will not be constrained to time anymore.

I tried using my pyrokinesis to scare off the golems, but they were unfazed by my attempts to scare them. Then, I started pushing them back with my legs. Pushing the golems with my legs worked but I could only push one golem at a time. Then, the stardust star had a brilliant idea, and that was to hit the bombs towards the golems.

“You absolute genius!” I exclaimed.

“I’m smart!” the stardust star replied.

As the flying kangaroos threw bombs, the stardust star hit the bombs over at the golems, blowing them up. But the golems started splitting into smaller golems. Luckily, the smaller golems were a lot more manageable. The stardust star kept hitting the bombs towards the golems until they were all split up into pebbles. I then started picking up the golems and throwing them off the clouds.

The star pillows were still eating my heaven. I started burning them again, but I witnessed a larger blue star pillow emerge from underneath the clouds. “That must be the ringleader!” I thought. The larger blue star pillow then pointed towards me.

“Eat that idiot!” yelled the large blue star pillow.

Suddenly, the blue star pillows started to look right at me. I then recognized what the pillows were. They were Famnig Stjarna pillows from Ikea. “Is Ikea behind the attack?” I asked myself. I had to fight now and think later because the blue star pillows were rapidly approaching. I used my pyrokinesis to burn them. What the large Famnig Stjarna pillow didn’t realize was that it congregated all of the smaller Famnig Stjarna pillows into a tight area, allowing me to burn all of them.

Soon, the large Famnig Stjarna pillow yelled for the entire platoon to retreat. I had successfully defended my heaven, thanks to the stardust star. I have to investigate this attack and see where the source of the troops is.

Published Dec. 27th, 2021