The Unnamed Protagonist


Ilorin, Nigeria, September 15th, 2002. I needed to find my emerald ring. The ring cost me a fortune and I lost it, which upset me greatly. I had to get it back quickly, otherwise it would be lost forever. My first guess was to look inside of the couch. Maybe the ring had dropped off my finger into the cracks of the couch without me even realizing it.

I quickly ran over to my pink couch, finding nothing. Then I looked even closer and found a red button. I pressed the button and felt a gravitational force pull me in towards the center of the couch. I was then promptly sucked inside of the couch.

I fell into a new world full of fabric. I walked around and felt uncomfortable due to the texture of the ground. I eventually got over how the ground felt and started looking around for any signs of life. I then found a large ant. I went over to talk to it.

“Hey, ya got any spice?” the ant asked me.

“I don’t know what that is.” I replied.

“Well, look here, if you don’t give me your money, you’re going to die.” the ant exclaimed while holding a dagger to my chest.

I couldn’t do anything to the ant, otherwise it would stab and kill me. I looked at the ant’s torso and saw an Ikea staff badge on its chest. I immediately blasted the ant in the face with fire and ran. The Ikea was after me.

I watched as the police started chasing me. I flew through the air, but the police officers were shooting at me with their pistols. On the police cars read “Ikea God Capture”. I didn’t want to be a prisoner to Ikea. I almost got hit with a few bullets, but I was too fast for the officers to properly aim at me. I then hid behind a rock.

The rock grew legs and then squatted over me and dropped. My entire body was crushed. I then felt my body falling through the floor. The fabric of the ground was cutting my skin along the way down.

I then fell onto a pile of coins. The coins hurt my back very badly, they didn’t help to break my fall at all. I then got up and rubbed my painful back. I saw a door made out of steel in the pitch-black room I was in. I walked over and tried opening the door, but it was locked. Then, I used my pyrokinesis powers to melt the door down, and then I was free.

The new room I entered was full of kiwi trees and kiwi birds. I tried to pet the birds, but they hopped away from me. I then grabbed ahold of one of the birds to pet it. The moment I grabbed the bird, I heard the words “Work that sucker to death, c’mon now. Work that sucker to death!” out of nowhere. Suddenly, a mech suit came falling from the sky to attack me.

I tried blasting the mech suit with fire, but the metal was fire-resistant. The mech suit then chased me slowly. I was able to escape with walking pace, that’s how slow the mech suit was. Then, the mech suit started throwing bumpers at me, knocking me over on hit.

I was on the ground and the mech suit was standing right above me. The mech suit lifted up one of its legs to stomp me but I rolled out of the way. Then, I was confronted by a bee telling me to “Work that sucker to death”. I followed the bee’s commands and started punching the mech suit. Every time I punched the mech suit, a piece of it fell off. Eventually, the mech suit exploded into bits and a red man came flying out of the machine on a hoverboard.

I tried throwing a rock at the red man, but I missed. After the fight against the mech suit, I walked around the new land I was in. I decided to take some kiwis from the kiwi trees with me to eat later. One of the kiwi birds started following me so I let it. Then, the bird opened its mouth, revealing a shiny white light. The light engulfed my physical form and sucked me in.

The new place I was at was a museum. I looked out the windows and I appeared to be out in the middle of nowhere. I then looked at the display cases. One display case was remarkable to me, it had my emerald ring sitting on it. I opened the display case and put my ring back on. The ring dazzled in the light as I looked at it in awe. I finally had my emerald ring back.

Published Dec. 27th, 2021