The Unnamed Protagonist


Espoo, Finland, June 6th, 2006. I need to find the Ristar’s heaven. The Ristar is the most powerful god. If I can get the Ristar in my army, then we could possibly be unstoppable against the Megastar. The Megastar is a powerful, evil god, hellbent on killing and taking the power of all other gods. It is my duty to form an army against the Megastar.

I decided to go ask the Eon Turtle where the Ristar’s heaven was. I doubt the Eon Turtle knew where Ristar’s heaven was, given nobody has ever seen it. The Eon Turtle is as old as time itself so there’s a good chance he must know where Ristar’s heaven is. The Eon Turtle lives underneath a casino. I then went over to the Casino.

At the Casino, I got distracted. I had a hundred dollars on me, so I decided to go gambling. I profited three-hundred dollars. I wanted to play some more but then, a group of men came over and grabbed me by the arms.

“You’re coming with us, mister.” the men screamed.

I was walked into the casino manager’s room. The casino manager went up to me and slapped me right in the face.

“Oww, what was that for?” I asked the casino manager.

“For profiting off our casino. Hand in the three-hundred dollars and we’ll let you keep your original one-hundred dollars.” the casino manager replied.

I handed over the three-hundred dollars, swallowing my pride. “What a waste of time I thought”. Suddenly, I saw a blimp overhead. The blimp was dropping tanks and bombs everywhere. I tried running but a tank landed near me and shot me with its gun. My body flew all the way across the ocean to another island.

On the island, there were a bunch of goats. The goats tried ramming into me, but I hopped onto one and rode on it. The goat I was sitting on was running across the island. A giant owl then came, picked me up, and brought me to its nest.

I was in the owl’s nest. The owl was trying to peck at me, but I narrowly avoided its beak. The owl was trying to use me to feed its young. I blasted fire at the owl’s face, and it flew away. I saw the hatchlings of the owl approaching me. I was then cornered. Luckily, the hatchlings were too small to eat me. I then climbed out of the giant owl’s nest.

Outside of the owl’s nest was a field with peanut butter jars scattered about. I grabbed some of the peanut butter and placed it in my backpack for later. I then walked across the field, looking for a way back to the casino. I then found a rickety wooden bridge that crossed the ocean. I looked into the distance and saw the lights of the casino. I then walked onto the rickety wooden bridge.

I couldn’t fly across the ocean because I certainly don’t have enough flying stamina to cross, since my godhood is still fairly youthful. As I crossed the rickety bridge, the wood underneath me started to break. Soon, I was running, trying to not fall into the ocean. Eventually I got tired from running and the wood underneath me broke and I went plunging into the ocean.

In the ocean, I saw a giant squid.

“Hello! Welcome to the ocean.” the giant squid said.

“Hello! Is there an easy way to get to the casino from here?” I asked.

“Oh yes, just go through the abandoned city and you’ll find a teleporter there. Take the teleporter and you’re back at the casino.” the giant squid replied.

“Thank you!” I said.

I looked around underneath the ocean and found the abandoned city. But then, a shark started chasing me. The shark shot coconuts out of its mouth at high velocity in hopes to hit and stun me. I was able to dodge the coconuts, but the shark was approaching rapidly. I then got over to the abandoned city and hid in a trunk. I peeked out of the trunk to make sure the shark had left but it hadn’t.

After twenty minutes of being underwater, I started to feel tired from lack of oxygen. I peeked out of the trunk again, only to find that the shark was gone. I swam out of the trunk and over to the teleporter. I had to give the teleporter a quarter for the trip, but it wasn’t that much to pay. I then stepped on the teleporter and watched as a bright light engulfed me.

I was now at the casino. I instantly ran down the stairs to get underneath the casino and talk to the Eon turtle.

“Hey, do you know where the Ristar’s heaven is located?” I asked the Eon Turtle.

“Oh, I’ve never visited that heaven. I do know it’s in the restroom of a Chuck ‘E’ Cheese restaurant though.” replied the Eon Turtle.

“Thank you.” I replied.

Now I know where the Ristar’s heaven is. I can go there and ask for it to join my army of gods.

Published Dec. 28th, 2021