The Unnamed Protagonist


Siping, China, December 3rd, 2001. I needed to consult the Ristar. The Ristar is the most powerful god and would be an amazing addition to my army of gods. The army of gods I rally will assist me in the fight against the Megastar. Once the Megastar is defeated, all of the gods of this universe will be safe. The Ristar’s heaven was located in a Chuck ‘E’ Cheese restaurant’s restroom.

I walked into a Chuck ‘E’ Cheese restaurant. The animatronics there came over to me and greeted me as I walked further into the restaurant. The animatronics then started smothering me with affection and I tried pushing through, but they wouldn’t let me go any further. I then blasted fire on them, and the animatronics cowered in fear.

I then entered the restroom. I tried looking for signs of the Ristar’s heaven. I searched for a long time and found nothing. Out of anger I slapped myself in the face, causing my cheek to bleed a little. I walked over to the mirror, looked at myself, and splashed water on my face. That’s when I realized I forgot to check behind the toilets.

I went into each stall, checking behind the toilets. The last stall I checked had a toilet with a button behind it. I pressed the button and the toilet’s water turned into a blue portal. I then hopped into the portal and was sent into an oblivion-like area. I looked above me, and the portal sealed. I then looked below myself and saw that there was another blue portal. I was slowly descending towards the blue portal, so I didn’t get hurt.

I was now in a heaven of some sorts. The clouds were pristine, and the temple was made out of opal. I walked up to the temple and read the text above the temple. The text read “Divinity at its finest”. I climbed the stairs up to the top of the temple.

Inside the temple were pictures of Zeus, the god of chugging, and some other gods I didn’t know. I then saw a yellow star sitting on the throne.

“What are you doing in my domain?” asked the yellow star.

“I came to look for a god called the Ristar, know anything about that god?” I replied.

“Boy, do I! I am the Ristar. I don’t like people. Now get out.” the Ristar replied.

“You, are, the, Rister?” I asked.

“Yes, now get out of here young fool.” the Ristar replied.

“But I’m here for a very important reason!” I exclaimed.

“Oh yeah, what reason then?” the Ristar asked.

“I need you to join my army to fight the Megastar. The Megasta-” I was quickly cut off by the Ristar.

“Megastar Shmegastar.” said the Ristar.

“You think this is a joke?” I asked.

“I already know about the Megastar, and yes, I will consider joining your army, if you pass these few trials.” the Ristar replied.

“What trials?” I asked.

“Leadership trials. I need to make sure you’re fit as a leader before I join your army. I don’t want to have our entire army fall apart and then we all die because we’re congregated.” replied the Ristar.

“Oh. Well, what leadership trial shall I partake in?” I asked.

“You will be leading a Roman army against attackers. You’ll play in a simulation as the leader of the Roman army.” the Ristar replied.

“Sounds easy enough.” I replied.

I was then promptly teleported inside of a battle zone. The Ristar was watching from the skies. I looked out into the horizon and saw attackers approaching.

“Okay guys, I want the shields in front, and the archers in the back.” I shouted.

The army then immediately went into position.

“Light them up!” I yelled.

“Uh sir, what does that mean?” asked one of the soldiers.

“Oh, it means start shooting.” I replied.

I forgot this was taking place in ancient times and such slang hadn’t been developed yet. I then watched as the approaching army started dying quickly. Soon, the rest of the enemy army got over to my army.

“I want you all to charge with your swords!” I shouted.

The army promptly grabbed out their swords and ran at the enemy army. My army had quite a few casualties, but we defeated the enemy army. I was then teleported back out of the simulation.

“Very well done.” the Ristar said.

“Thank you!” I said as I bowed with pride.

“Now, are you ready to go to planet Ikea to attack?” asked the Ristar.

“No, I will need a while to prepare mentally. Mental preparation is an important aspect in battle. I remember being taught that when I was a youngster.” I replied.

“Very good thinking. And do you know what will happen if our army completely dies to the Megastar and I have to retreat?” asked the Ristar.

“I don’t know what will happen.” I replied.

“I will personally defile your grave and urinate on it. Take this as your only warning. Now, I will join your army.” said the Ristar.

Granted the Ristar is a bit mean, it still joined my army. Now I just must mentally prepare myself for the battle against the Megastar.

Published Dec. 28th, 2021