The Unnamed Protagonist


Kursk, Russia, July 17th, 2008. I was inside of a hazy cave, and I needed to find my way out. There were spider nests nearly everywhere, so I had to be careful not to accidentally break open the eggs. The cave was filled with noxious gas that I could barely breathe in. I felt very sick the moment I entered the cave, due to the noxious gas. The moment I entered the cave, the exit closed.

While I explored the cave, I noticed torches on the walls. The torches were the only thing keeping the light in the cave. I grabbed one of the torches and took it with me. Then, my pathway was blocked by a giant spider egg. I burned it and watched as all of the spiders crawled out of it and jumped down into the water pit.

I looked down into the water pit. There were cheerios floating in the water. Hungry, I decided to go down over to the water pit and eat some of the cheerios.

“What was that for?” one of the spiders blasted in my ear.

“You all were in my way.” I replied.

“You could have just asked us to move, and we would have. You did not need to burn us.” the spider said.

“Okay, Jesus Christ, I’m sorry. Want a band-aid for that boo boo?” I replied.

“Actually, I do.” the spider replied.

I grabbed a bunch of band-aids from my backpack and put them on all of the burnt spiders. They immediately started moving around like normal again and left the water pit. There were still cheerios in the water pit, so I grabbed the spoon from my backpack, sat there, and ate floating cheerios. I then left the water pit.

Going back to the original path I was on, I watched as boulders went rolling down into a dark chasm. I avoided the boulders and continued on the path. I could have easily been killed by one of the falling boulders. Then, I saw ancient writing on the wall. The ancient writing glowed and played the Warner Brothers opening medley. The sound was extremely angelic and holy.

Suddenly, I found myself sinking through the ground of the cave. I tried climbing through the ground back up to hear the Warner Brothers opening medley some more, but I kept sinking faster than I could climb. I was then brought to a location full of Skittles.

The Skittles were in an assortment of blue colors, no other hue. I picked up some skittles and ate them, they tasted like blue raspberry. I then walked around, looking for an exit. I did find a doorway with tassels hanging from the frame. I then entered the doorframe.

I was brought to a place with bricks scattered about the floor. The bricks then floated and formed into a brick monster.

“Howdy!” said the brick monster.

“Hello!” I replied.

The brick monster came to pat me on the back, but it hit my back hard instead. I knew the brick monster meant well but now my upper back hurts. The brick monster was too strong for just normal patting on the back. I then asked why it pat me on the back.

“Oh, because you saved me.” the brick monster replied.

“How did I save you?” I asked.

“If a human didn’t come in within the next twenty seconds, I would have died. But you intervened unintentionally. Now I get to stay alive for the rest of time.” the brick monster replied.

I tried walking away, but the brick monster then enclosed me.

“Oh, you’re not going anywhere, my savior.” the brick monster said.

I then flew out of the brick monster’s grasp. A narrow escape indeed.

“Sorry, not today!” I exclaimed.

I then flew out of the room with the brick monster in it. The brick monster started crying and breaking down into a storm of sadness, so I threw some of the blue skittles at it. The brick monster’s face lit up with joy as it ate the skittles.

A pack of dogs started chasing me. The dogs were snipping at my legs when I was flying. The ceiling wasn’t very high up, so I had to fly low to the ground. Then, one of the dogs grabbed hold of my shoe. I blasted it with fire, and it ran away. All of the other dogs followed suit and ran in fear as well.

I was now near the exit of the cave. The exit was full of water and crystals. I decided to take some of the crystals home with me for collection. Then, the cave started rumbling. I had to get out quickly, otherwise I’d be dead because I got squished by one of the rocks. I then jumped out of the cave; the outside of the cave was a waterfall. I was finally free from the hazy cave.

Published Dec. 29th, 2021