The Unnamed Protagonist


Tangerang, Indonesia, March 5th, 2006. I needed to strengthen my heaven with prayers. The best place I could go to do this was at a church. I could beg for people to pray on behalf of my heaven. However, the evil Ikeas have started to take over churches, so I had to liberate people from the churches if I wanted prayers. Currently, the mind-controlled people at the Ikea churches send prayers to the Megastar’s heaven. The Megastar’s heaven is rarely ever used, as the Megastar resides on planet Ikea.

I don’t know which church I want to attack first. I looked at the large church and decided to attack that one. The large church will be tough to attack but surely the rewards will be great. I then walked over to the church, fire in my hands, and went to attack.

In the church, there were blue star shaped Famnig Stjarna Ikea pillows forcing mind-controlled people to pray. The people who were mind controlled only had a sliver of consciousness left and they tried using it to avoid praying the praying. Some of the mind-controlled people were saying fake prayers but they got hit on the head with mallets.

Everyone was visibly displeased with the Famnig Stjarna pillows. Soon enough, I watched one of the Famnig Stjarna pillows get tired of mind-controlling the people and then everyone was freed momentarily. Everyone started rioting started killing Famnig Stjarna pillows with the weapons in their pockets.

Suddenly, the church started to flood. Water was pouring in through the ceiling and the entire place was filled with water before you could say spaghetti. Then, the floor collapsed to reveal a dungeon. The dungeon room looked like one of many. I then swam down to the dungeon.

At the dungeon, the torches were still on fire even though water hit them. There was a door made out of fence material. I then opened the door only to hold witness to a bright green light. The green light circled me and then flew up in the air.

In the new room I found, there was furniture everywhere. The furniture was related to the church being converted into an evil Ikea church. I started burning the furniture with my pyrokinesis powers. All of the furniture went up in smoke and burned to crisps. I then stomped on the burnt furniture to make a point. All of the furniture being gone revealed a trapdoor in the center of the room. I then jumped down into the trapdoor.

I fell into an ocean of blood. The blood stained my entire body red. I then climbed out of the ocean in disgust. I vomited blood on the beach and then my blood crawled into the blood ocean. I was freaked out by that happening and ran away. Suddenly, I stumbled across a temple. There were jungle trees around the temple and the place looked very old.

I climbed up into the temple and found myself smothered with pink dolphins. All of the dolphins were bumping into me while swimming in the air. Then, the dolphins coiled around me and suffocated me. I then blacked out.

After a few hours of being blacked out, I woke up. I was in the middle of a pond. There was a sunken computer in the pond and the bones of a dinosaur. I swam around in the pond, watching as frogs jumped in and out of the water. Then I noticed that there was a bank on the other side of the pond. I swam over to the other side and just as I was about to reach it, a man made of bubbles came over. The man walked over to me and started suffocating me by putting my head inside one of the bubbles. All I could taste, and smell was soap and the soap got into my lungs.

I engulfed my body in flames. The bubble man caught ablaze and ran into the water where most of his bubbles popped. I then swore at the bubble man, yelling at him to never do that again. Except, I saw an Ikea worker tag on the ground, it must have been from the bubble man.

After the battle against the bubble man, I went into the bank. The bank was in shambles but there was a man inside of the bank praying. I asked what he was doing in a bank that was in shambles.

“I’m praying for the god of banking. His heaven has been falling apart so it is my duty to help repair it.” the praying man replied.

‘Oh, then can you help my heaven? I’ve built an army to attack an evil god known as the Megastar, and I need my heaven to be strengthened if I want to hold all of the gods in one place to get ready for the trip to planet Ikea.” I replied.

“Sure thing. I’m always open to helping a god in need, especially if it’s for our own good.” replied the praying man.

The man then started praying for me. I instantly felt a surge of power coursing through me, and I could feel my heaven grow in strength and size as well.

Published Dec. 29th, 2021