The Unnamed Protagonist


Tijuana, Mexico, September 6th, 2007. I need to investigate the evil Megastar’s heaven. The Megastar resides on planet Ikea, but its heaven goes unused. I find it suspicious that people are forced to pray to the Megastar, strengthening an unused heaven. There has to be something up with the Megastar’s heaven. Now it was just a matter of finding the Megastar’s heaven.

I was laying down in bed, contemplating where the Megastar’s heaven could be. It was most likely at an Ikea, but which Ikea? I had no clue. I then decided it would be best to go to the Ikea the closest to me. I got out of my bed, ate breakfast, and got ready to leave my house. Suddenly, a mean-looking dog walked into my house. I had the door closed so I was dazzled by how the dog entered. The dog then stood up on two legs and slapped me right across the face.

I tried to slap the dog back, but it avoided my attempts to hit it. Then, the dog slapped me across the face again.

“That’s it!” I exclaimed.

I then blasted fire, accidentally hitting the carpet with flames. My house was starting to catch on fire. I tried blowing on the fire but that made it worse. I then ran over to grab the fire extinguisher, but it was missing. I screamed as I realized the ramifications of my house burning down. Suddenly, I heard someone yell the word “ice”.

My house was frozen solid. A man made of ice came floating down and asked if I was okay.

“Yes, I’m okay.” I replied.

“Glad to hear that. I’m the god of firefighting by the way.” the firefighting god said.

“Thanks for saving my house. Now I just have to get my shag carpeting replaced.” I replied.

“Hahaha, nice.” the god of firefighting replied.

The god of firefighting then blasted me with ice and slid me down the parking lot. The ice I was in broke on the curb, freeing me.

“What the hell was that for?” I asked the god of firefighting.

“Oh, it was nothing. I was just having a bit of fun. That’s the price you pay when I save your house.” the god of firefighting replied.

Before I could even speak, I was frozen again. The god of firefighting then attached a hook and rope to the ice and flew me through the air. I couldn’t speak at all, so I had to wait for the ice to melt. I tried using my pyrokinesis, but the ice was too cold to be melted.

I was brought to a carnival by the god of firefighting. The god of firefighting purchased two tickets, one for himself and one for me. The god of firefighting then dragged me through the carnival, taking me on rides, shoving cotton candy on the ice, and speaking to me. “This god is crazy” I thought. No sane god would ever do this to someone, unless you’re the Megastar of course. Speaking of the Megastar, I saw a floating Ikea.

The ice around me melted just enough for me to speak, granted I was still in the ice.

“Hey! Let me out. I need to go up to that Ikea heaven.” I yelled as loud as I could.

The god of firefighting looked around as if he heard someone, but got back to walking with me. The ice underneath me was starting to melt as well. Soon, my shoes were able to touch the ground. I then flew up in the air, leaving the firefighting god’s grasp.

The ice’s temperature started increasing as I flew, so I used my pyrokinesis powers to melt the rest of the ice. I was finally free from the ice after using my fire. The god of firefighting was visibly displeased with this. Then, the god of firefighting shot ice beams at me.

“Wait!” I shouted.

“What?” the god of firefighting said as we both float in the air.

“You see that heaven right there? It’s downright evil. It’s controlled by the Megastar, an evil god hellbent on killing and taking the power of all the other gods.” I said.

“Go on.” replied the god of firefighting.

“I want you to assist me in attacking this heaven. I’ll call our attack ‘Fire and Ice’. Sounds cool?” I said.

“Yes, that does sound cool. Now let’s fly up there together.” replied the god of firefighting.

We both flew up to the Megastar’s heaven. The place appeared to be a prison for gods. There were blue star pillows that were guards, everywhere. The Famnig Stjarna pillows are stubborn, so I best be sneaky.

“Alright, I’ll kill the guards, and after I do that, you freeze the prison bars, making them brittle enough to break.” I whispered.

We then flew up to the cloud that held the Ikea prison. I went over to burn the Famnig Stjarna guards as the god of firefighting waited for me. Eventually, the perimeter was clear, and the god of firefighting froze the door over, letting me kick it and shatter it to pieces.

We walked in on a bunch of Famnig Stjarna guards playing cards. They drew their weapons, but the god of firefighting froze all of them at once. I asked if I could burn them.

“You can’t burn them, the ice is too cold, remember?” the god of firefighting replied.

“Oh.” I said while embarrassed.

The god of firefighting and I went into the inner chamber of the Ikea prison. We killed the guards quickly as there weren’t that many. We looked around and saw gods trapped in their prison cells. The god of firefighting then froze all of the prison bars, and we went to kick them down, freeing the trapped gods.

All of the freed gods chanted for us.

“Will you all join my army against the one who trapped you, the evil being who was going to kill and eat you, the Megastar?” I asked.

All of the gods chanted we will, along with the god of firefighting. I finally found out what the Megastar’s heaven was for, and liberated quite a few gods, adding them to my army.

Published Dec. 29th, 2021