The Unnamed Protagonist


Matsubara, Japan, November 7th, 2006. I need to assemble the army of gods I found. The gods I freed from the Megastar’s heaven all went to their own heavens. If I can find a way to call all of them at once, then I’d easily be able to get them all in one heaven, so I can talk to them. The first god I can consult is the god of chugging, as he has found more gods to join my army against the Megastar.

I went over to the god of chugging’s cave. I don’t know why he doesn’t use his heaven, but I digress. I then walked into the cave, only to find the god of chugging trying to beat his world record for the speed at which a two-liter soda is chugged. I then waited for the god of chugging to finish beating his own world record.

After a small wait, the god of chugging was done chugging his two-liter soda.

“What flavor?” I asked the god of chugging.

“Oh, root beer.” the god of chugging replied as he let out a loud belch.

“Nice flavor, it’s a favorite of mine.” I replied.

“Now what do you need help with?” the god of chugging asked.

“I need help assembling the army of gods we found. There was a lot of gods I found imprisoned in the Megastar’s heaven, but they all went off to their own heavens. Plus, we have the gods you rallied up.” I said.

“Oh, sounds easy enough. We just have to find the loudest megaphone ever.” replied the god of chugging.

“Oh, thank you. Well, let’s go then.” I replied.

“Do you know where it is?” the god of chugging asked.

“I have no clue, do you?” I replied.

“I was just making sure if you knew where it was or not. It’s located in the middle of a volcano. I’ll lead, you follow.” replied the god of chugging.

I then followed the god of chugging. We walked for miles on end, with no volcano in sight. Then, we stumbled across an Arby’s. Obviously, the god of chugging was hungry and wanted to eat there. We then walked into the Arby’s to order.

Inside the Arby’s were robots. The robots stared at us as we walked to take seat. Then, one of the waitress robots came over to take our order.

“What would you like?” the robot waitress asked.

“Oh, I’d like fifty meat sandwiches, and five large sodas.” the god of chugging replied.

“And what would you like?” the robot waitress asked.

“Oh, just a roast beef slider and a small soda.” I replied.

“Coming right up!” the robot waitress exclaimed.

The god of chugging and I have waited hours for our order. We then started eating the tables and chairs because we were so hungry. Then, we heard the kitchen doors swing open.

“Order status null.” said the robot waitress.

We then watched as claws, and drills came out of the robot’s back. The robot then started trying to hit us with the drills on its back. We dodged the attacks swiftly. Then, the god of chugging got the attention of the robot waitress.

“You see that?” asked the god of chugging.

“See what?” I asked.

“That robot has an Ikea badge, we can’t trust this place.” replied the god of chugging.

While the robot waitress was distracted, I went behind it and turned off the power. The god of chugging then went over to the robot and started eating the weapons.

“Ahh, delicious.” the god of chugging said as he belched loudly.

Then, a bird came flying through the window. It pressed the power switch on the robot waitress again, turning it on for it to try and attack us again. Luckily, the god of chugging ate its weapons, so it was harmless. The robot then ran into the kitchen, never to be seen again.

The god of chugging and I left the Arby’s. As we got outside, we noticed smoke in the distance. We decided to run over there to investigate. Then, we watched as a small volcano erupted. Lava went pouring everywhere. The god of chugging used his sonic belch ability to cut through the lava as we went up and climbed the volcano.

We jumped inside of the volcano. The air was very cold in the volcano. We then saw a megaphone sitting on the ground. I picked it up and started talking through it.

“Oww! At least warn me first!” the god of chugging exclaimed.

“Sorry.” I replied embarrassingly.

I then started calling for all of the gods to fly over to my heaven for a meeting. The god of chugging and I then flew up to my heaven and bore witness to a whole plethora of gods waiting for me. I have now assembled the army, and we’re almost ready for the attack on the Megastar.

Published Dec. 30th, 2021