The Unnamed Protagonist


Elista, Russia, January 29th, 2005. I needed to find out where planet Ikea was. We can only fight the evil Megastar if I know where its planet of residence is. It definitely is somewhere in outer space, but where? Was it nearby? Was it far away? I then remembered the Eon Turtle telling me to consult his friend, the Snappy Seahorse.

I fell asleep because of how tired I was. I was all comfortable on my bed which is why I fell asleep. I disregarded anything I had to do in favor of sleep. I was just too tired to do anything. I then started dreaming.

I saw walking mushrooms. They were shooting spore dust at me. I then kicked the mushrooms away from me and they broke to pieces. I tried walking forward, but I started walking to the side instead. “It must be the spore dust.” I thought.

I was barely able to walk without my movement spiraling out of control. I tried to memorize the pattern at which my movement changed but it kept switching up on me. After moving haphazardly for a while, I found a vial of “Mushroom Antidote”. I quickly opened the vial of antidote and drank it. My normal movement immediately came back to me.

I then walked around and found a car garage. I lifted up the door to the garage and watched as the car went over to eat me. I was swiftly dragged into the car’s mouth and eaten. Being eaten by the car didn’t hurt and my entire body was intact. I then flew out of the car’s exhaust pipe.

I fell into a mall’s fountain. The mall was full of people sneezing and coughing. I tried to avoid everyone’s ailments, but I eventually had someone sneeze right in my face. I then started sneezing and coughing myself. As I walked around, I found a dollar bill on the ground next to the lottery ticket machine.

I placed my new dollar into the lottery ticket machine and got a lottery card. I grabbed a penny out of my pocket and started scratching the paper. I won five thousand dollars from the lottery card. I immediately went up to cash the lottery card in, but they wouldn’t accept it.

“Are you seriously going to rip me off?” I asked.

“Yes, we are.” the clerk replied.

The clerk immediately ran from the booth, leaving the booth unlocked by accident. I walked into the booth and started taking money out of the till. I was quickly blasted in the face with a pink powder. I then saw a tent appear out in the middle of the mall. The tent grew a face and roared at me.

I walked over to the tent to slap it, but my hand went through the tent as it was nothing. The tent then roared at me some more and spit fire at me. I did the same and the tent started burning. Strange how I couldn’t touch the tent, but my fire could. I then watched as the tent burned to a crisp.

I started vomiting Pepto Bismol. The pink fluid formed the shape of a circle and wrapped around my face. I couldn’t see until I saw a vision of planet Ikea and the Megastar. The Megastar was the shape of a black star and had a black crown over it.

“I love you. Join my forces. I love you so much. Join me now or face the consequences. I love you too much.” the megastar said.

“No, I will not. I refuse to join you and be evil.” I replied.

“Bad choice. I’m waiting for you. I love you; I love you; I love you.” the Megastar said.

The Pepto Bismol around my face climbed off and vanished into thin air. I was confused by the situation greatly. Then, I watched as a seahorse swam through the air in the mall. I went over to go talk to it, but I was ignored. I tried grabbing it, but it started swimming away from me.

“Get some football team merchandise for me and then I’ll talk.” the seahorse said.

I then went over to the team shop of the mall. I purchased a whole bunch of football merchandise with the money I stole from the money till earlier. I then ran over to the seahorse and gave it the football merchandise. The seahorse immediately swam in joy and started talking to me.

“So, what do you want?” the seahorse asked.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“Snappy Seahorse, why do you ask?” Snappy Seahorse replied.

“Oh, so it’s you then! I need you to tell me where planet Ikea is. The Eon Turtle told me to consult you about it.” I replied.

“Sounds fine.” Snappy Seahorse replied.

Snappy Seahorse then whispered to me the coordinates of planet Ikea. I can program the coordinates into the space vessel my army built. I then woke up in a sweat.

“What the hell was that?” I yelled.

My brother came into my room and asked if I was okay. I replied yes. I now know where planet Ikea is, it’s time for the assault.

Published Dec. 30th, 2021