The Unnamed Protagonist

"Our longest story yet!"


Botad, India, June 26th, 2006. My army is assembled, the vessel of transportation is built, and we are ready to defeat the evil Megastar. Sun Tzu and I are in charge of the army of gods the god of chugging and I have mustered. This is going to be a tough battle, but we will win. I felt chills bounce down my spine as I prepared for the assault on planet Ikea and the Megastar.

I programmed the coordinates of planet Ikea into the mothership the army and I built. I watched as my entire army assembled under the command of Sun Tzu. Sun Tzu let the gods fly to their respective heavens and say goodbye first. Then, all of the gods flew back and walked into the mothership. I felt my heart beating fast as this was the final stand against the Megastar.

Sun Tzu boarded the mothership, and we were off to space. Hades flew up and told us to go back down to Earth as he brought his own army with him. We then landed back on Earth and let Hades’ entire army board the ship. We then blasted off into space again.

In space, we needed to make quite a few pitstops on many different planets as planet Ikea was a very far trip. I then watched as everyone’s head turned into the blue star Famnig Stjarna pillows and heard the line “I love you.” I blinked and shook my head, everyone appeared normal after that. I then had a vision of the Megastar. I felt uneasy after that hallucination.

Our mothership then started flying through space at the speed of light. Surprisingly, everyone was resistant to the effects of light-speed travel, including me. We then stopped at a red planet with rocks all over it. There was a gas station on the planet meant for refueling space vessels. Zeus hopped out of the mothership and went in to pay for the gas. After that, the god of chugging went out and flew the gas pump up to the gas tank. Our mothership took fifty tons of unleaded gasoline. Then, the god of chugging decided to be nice, and he bought out the entire gas station’s snacks. Everyone enjoyed the treats as we all sat down and waited for the gas gauge to finish reading.

After the gas gauge was done reading, we started the mothership back up. We would need more fuel soon because gasoline isn’t the most effective fuel for a spaceship. We then saw many different planets on the way, but we needed to stock up on groceries so we can eat dinner before we go to planet Ikea. We then went to the grocery store planet, with tons of money ready to be spent.

At the grocery store planet, all of the gods and I went out and crowded the entire store. We all picked out different food items to purchase for our dinner. We had kitchens in the mothership which was good because we were going to need a way to cook all of this food. I guess you could call it a feast.

After we left the grocery store, we saw a UFO flying in the air above the store. Suddenly, a titan sized silver robot with an Ikea badge landed on the planet. The silver robot then started shooting fire at us. The god of chugging swallowed the fire and belched it back at the silver robot, knocking it over. We all then started attacking the silver robot. The silver robot started screaming and then materialized into steam once we killed it.

“That was a close call.” I said.

“You did not even use any sort of strategy or tactic. Given our circumstances, it was acceptable. But from now on, we must plan ahead for attack.” Sun Tzu replied.

I agreed with Sun Tzu, and we started to plan against attacks from an assortment of enemies. Other spaceships, creatures, Megastar minions, you name it. For any of the large robots that attack us again, we decided it would be best to have some gods knock the robot over and have the gods with destructive powers destroy the robot. For any creatures, we could just stun them. And lastly, for any UFOs, we can use our destructive gods as a kill squad on a small space vessel we send out to take over any enemy vessels and take their resources for ourselves.

All of the gods agreed to our plans, and we got back to traveling in space. As soon as the god of cooking saw the food we picked out, he jumped in joy and immediately started cooking. The god of cooking was teleporting all around the kitchen, cooking many hundreds of meals at once.

Our mothership landed on an ice planet. We had to cool down for a bit as the tensions were high from that last battle we had. We all waded in the cold water, cooling ourselves down. Then, a giant trojan horse came over to stomp on us. Zeus zapped the trojan in the head with his electricity and then it started convulsing on the ground. We then took the Trojan inside and cut it to pieces for our feast tonight.

Our mothership was running low on fuel again, so we went to a planet just like Earth. We walked inside another gas station. The gas station was colored blue and yellow suspiciously, but we decided to try and fuel up anyways. I went over to to go pay for fuel with the god of chugging when the clerk grabbed out a shotgun and revealed himself to be an Ikea worker. With a great big grin on his face, he shot the god of chugging in the stomach with his shotgun. Luckily, the god of chugging’s stomach was strong enough to bounce the bullets back at twice the velocity and all of the bullets hit the Ikea workers right in the chest, killing him immediately.

“Bad choice.” the god of chugging laughed.

“Are you okay?” I asked the god of chugging.

“Yes, I’m fine. My stomach just stings a bit.” the god of chugging replied.

We all flew around looking for a better gas station to go to. We then found a 7/11 to go to refill our gasoline at. We purchased the same amount of fuel as the last time, fifty tons of unleaded gasoline. We then flew off the Earth-like planet and went back on our interstellar journey.

We met friendly humans along the way. Their names were “.01”, “.02”, and “.03” respectively. We decided to take their spaceship in as hospitality for them. In return, they provided us with a vast supply of hot cocoa and root beer. The god of chugging jumped in joy and immediately drank a root beer once he grabbed ahold of one of the bottles.

.01, .02, and .03 guided us to a sightseeing planet. We all left the mothership to go sightseeing. Then, a titan sized robot that was a giant fuel tank fell down from the sky near us. The robot had three legs and was spherical, and its arms were hoses. I could tell it was a fuel tank because of the fuel hoses it had for arms. I immediately noticed the Ikea badge on the robot’s torso. The robot was shooting lasers at us, luckily, the lasers were not very painful. I figured the robot must be used to support the other attacking robots as it was a walking fuel tank. I got all of the gods to run away from the giant fuel tank robot. Leaving myself to attack it. I blasted the top of the giant fuel tank robot with my fire, and it immediately blew up. The sound left my ears ringing for a while.

“Good job with the strategy.” Sun Tzu told me.

“Thank you. My work was cut out for me.” I replied.

We then continued sightseeing, granted most of what we would’ve seen was destroyed by the giant fuel tank robot’s explosion. It was a sacrifice that had to be made. .01, .02, and .03 were disappointed about what happened to the sightseeing, but I cheered them up.

We all got back on the mothership after a long while of looking at all the amazing sights the planet had to offer. We then started to notice a fleet of spaceships headed our way. They started firing lasers at us, but our defense systems shot down the fleet of spaceships immediately. Now, only the mothership of the enemy fleet stood.

We sent a small spacecraft of our kill squad over to the mothership. We heard a lot of aliens screaming and the sounds of destruction. Soon, the enemy mothership was ours to claim. We pulled in the enemy mothership with a tractor beam and held the captain hostage.

“What the hell did you think would happen when you attacked a mothership full of gods?” I asked the captain of the enemy mothership.

“We didn’t know that. We were afraid of your mothership, so we attacked you.” the captain of the enemy mothership replied.

“Well, if we park at a nearby planet, repair your space vessels, and revive your army, would you join is in the fight against an evil god called the Megastar?” I asked the captain of the enemy mothership.

“Oh, sure! Anything for us to stay alive!” replied the captain of the enemy mothership.

We then collected the broken bits of spaceships from outer space and flew our mothership over to the nearest planet. We had hundreds of gods repairing the spaceships, while other gods were using their life force powers to bring the ship pilot aliens back to life. I threw a walkie talkie over to the allied space alien captain.

“Oh, thank a heaven.” our new ally said.

“You’re thanking the heavens right here. No need to worry.” I replied.

We watched as all of the pilots flew their spaceships to surround our mothership in a defensive formation. Then, the ally’s mothership flew up and floated right next to our mothership. The pilots then formed a ring around both of our motherships. Some of the pilots flew in front of the mothership in the case that we get attacked.

“It’s an honor and a blessing to be allied with gods.” our ally said.

“Thank you.” I replied.

Our new ally’s mothership and ours went flying through space. Then, the ally captain noticed our gas tank. The ally captain then spoke through the walkie talkie we gave him earlier.

“That’s really inefficient.” the ally captain said.

“Oh, how do we fix it then?” I asked.

“I can send my fleet of repairmen to build you a new gas tank and refuel your ship. Let’s park on that odd-shaped planet.” the ally captain replied.

We then landed on the odd-shaped planet. The ground was made entirely of rock and there was a cool breeze that hit our skin. Then, the repair fleet from our ally started repairing our ship. But suddenly, a titan sized robot that was shaped like an octopus landed. The robot was spherical and had eight legs, and on the front of the sphere was a beak, on the torso was an Ikea badge, just like the other robots that had attacked. The octopus robot grabbed the interstellar drives from our mothership and our ally mothership and tried flying away. The Ristar slapped it back down to the planet with the might of hundreds of gods.

We then sliced the octopus robot into pieces and took the scrap metal for repairs. We found the interstellar drives deep inside the torso of the robot. We placed the interstellar drives back on our motherships and went back into outer space.

We all enjoyed a nice dinner. We talked about what strategies we’ll implement against the evil beings on planet Ikea. We also thanked the god of cooking for his absolutely wonderful service. The meal I ate was the best meal I’ve ever tasted in my life. We then got back on track to planet Ikea.

We were now approaching planet Ikea. There was a giant force field around it. But, with the might of hundreds of gods and our ally’s space fleet. We destroyed the force field, shattering it to pieces. We then watched as sirens started sounding on planet Ikea.

I suddenly heard the words “I love you.” come from behind me. I looked back and nobody was there. It was just me hallucinating again. The shock of what we did must have been contributing to my hallucinations. Then, a space fleet of Ikea spaceships came to attack us, as well as a giant Ikea mothership.

Our kill squad of destruction gods flew on small space vessels to penetrate the enemy defense, while our allied fleet went to destroy the Ikea fleet. We had our kill squad on walkie talkie so we could communicate with them.

“We killed the captain.” the kill squad told us.

“Roger that.” I replied.

Sun Tzu was focused on studying the planet. He intently studied the planet in hopes of creating a military strategy for our army.

“Let’s wait to go down to the planet. We don’t want our kill squad being left behind.” Sun Tzu said.

“Aye aye.” I replied.

Our kill squad got back to our mothership. The rest of the Ikea fleet was destroyed by our ally’s fleet.

“It was an easy mission.” one of the kill squad leaders said.

“Good work.” I replied.

We then landed on planet Ikea, all with our guards up. The ally soldiers escorted us through the Ikea city. The ally soldiers shot any Famnig Stjarna pillows that appeared to attack us. Then, two of the giant silver robots and a fuel tank robot from earlier appeared. They started blasting us with nigh-magical attacks. We put our strategy into play. We dodged the attacks of the other robots and knocked the robots down one by one. Our destruction gods then started attacking the robots, making them materialize into a whole bunch of steam.

We all then saw a huge football stadium with the largest mountain I’ve ever seen in it. The mountain had tons of robots, plus walking brains and eyeballs with wings. All of the enemies on the mountain were the size of a titan.

We then climbed down into the football stadium, where a game had just started. As we walked down, all of the Ikea workers stared us down. Then, we were pushed into the football field where we were to play football against the Ikea workers.

After hours of playing, we won against the Ikea workers. Our team won all thanks to Sun Tzu’s lead. They were upset at us so they started chasing us. The god of sleeping then flew up and vomited sleeping powder over all of the Ikea workers. The Ikea workers quickly fell asleep. Now, we were free to climb up the mountain.

The weather on the mountain was extremely cold. There were Ikea stores everywhere and it was snowing. We then encountered even more giant robots, but this time they were accompanied by giant walking brains and giant eyes with wings. The giant walking brains used magic against us but some of the gods in my army are resistant to magic, so they took down the giant walking brains. Then, the flying eyeballs shot lasers at us and tried hypnotizing us, but we were easily able to shoot the eyeballs down.

The Famnig Stjarna pillows then came flooding out of the Ikeas like a flock of birds. The allied alien soldiers tried to ward off the Famnig Stjarna pillows but there were too many. Each Famnig Stjarna had some sort of weapon and were flying over to attack us. It didn’t take long for the Famnig Stjarna pillows to form a thick dome around us. Then, the Famnig Stjarna pillows closed in on us, getting ready to kill us. I suddenly felt a surge of rage coursing through my body. I blasted a vast amount of fire at the Famnig Stjarna pillows, burning a hole through the dome. All of the other gods flew out, carrying soldiers with them as I burned the rest of the Famnig Stjarna pillows.

As we climbed the mountain, the air got colder, and the giant robots started appearing in different colors. The robots also appeared to be stronger, but we took them all down, nonetheless. We then approached the peak of the mountain. The temperature was nearly freezing at this point. I had to cast a ring of fire around the army just to keep us all warm.

There was a giant palace on top of the mountain. The palace was named “Ikea at its finest”. I then walked into the palace with my army of gods. The palace was extremely scary for me and the rest of my army, even the Ristar feared the palace. As I walked in, I kept hearing “I love you so much.”. I was hallucinating out of fear again. I kept seeing imagery of the Megastar consuming my army and killing me last to see me suffer.

Inside the palace was a whole bunch of furniture. The furniture’s prices were all marked up, an evil deed indeed. The army and I then walked through the palace, looking up at pictures of the Megastar. The palace looked so primitive compared to the rest of what we’ve seen on this planet. Suddenly, I saw a giant black star with a crown on it leaving a room. I quickly made my army hide behind a wall. The giant black star with the crown I saw was the Megastar.

“I love whoever is in my palace right now.” the Megastar said.

Suddenly, I saw the Megastar peak from around the wall, revealing my army’s position.

“We’re doomed” I shouted to my army.

“Not yet.” Sun Tzu said.

“All gods, fly around the Megastar in circles. Gods of destruction, shoot at the Megastar. Ally soldiers, shoot the Megastar as well. Zeus, Ristar, the god of chugging, wrestle with the Megastar.” Sun Tzu shouted.

All of the gods started flying around the Megastar while the destruction gods and soldiers shot at the Megastar. Zeus, the Ristar, and the god of chugging flew up to wrestle with the Megastar. Sun Tzu then tapped on my shoulder as I watched in awe as my army followed the exact commands of Sun Tzu.

“Hey, I want you to revive any gods that die. I’ll stay behind, watching the fight from afar.” Sun Tzu told me.

I then ran over to gods as they were slapped out of the air and killed. I revived them and they went back on the fray. Then, the Megastar started to get tired. I quickly went over to blast it with flames.

“I love you too much to die to a whole bunch of pathetic gods. Rister, did you put these lovely gods up to this? I love you for that.” the Megastar said.

Suddenly, the Megastar knocked all of the gods away. Luckily, my revival aura was large enough to revive all of the gods the Megastar killed.

“Let’s get this over with. I love you too much to have all these other gods fighting. I’ll only fight with you four gods, Rister, Zeus, the god of chugging, and you, the leader of this lovely army. Good job assembling the army by the way, it was pathetic and lovely.” the Megastar said.

I was suddenly teleported to a green beach with a pink sky. The Megastar started wrestling with the Ristar and the god of chugging while Zeus and I blasted it with fire and lightning.

“Oooh, that tickles. I love that, I love you so much.” the Megastar said.

What the Megastar didn’t realize is that it left the teleportation portal open like a dunce. All of the gods started to go back to attack the Megastar again. Suddenly, the Megastar started losing its ability to float.

“Robots, after them, my lovey dovies!” the Megastar exclaimed.

Suddenly, a whole bunch of the robots we fought before came falling from the sky, but they were larger this time. Five gods fought each giant robot. Soon, the place looked like a battlefield. Ikea buildings were in ruins everywhere, people’s souls were flying up to heavens, fire littered the ground. The allied soldiers continued to shoot at the Megastar, distracting it. I used my life force powers to revive all of the poor souls who were killed in the crossfire. The people I revived luckily weren’t mind controlled like they were before. Then, the revived people ran away from the scene.

The Megastar was pinned to the ground, and the Ristar and the god of chugging were seriously starting to overpower it now. Then, the sky started raining stars. The stars kept hitting the Megastar extremely hard.

“Where did all of these stars come from?” I asked.

“Me!” the Ristar exclaimed.

The Megastar was growing exponentially weak. Then, the god of chugging pulled a straw out of his pocket.

“What’s that for?” I asked the god of chugging.

“It’s the straw of death. I will chug the Megastar.” the god of chugging replied.

The god of chugging then poked the straw through the middle of the Megastar and started chugging. The Megastar went from being giant to shrinking to the size of a peanut. Then, the god of chugging ate the Megastar. After eating the Megastar, the god of chugging belched an acid covered Megastar out.

“I love you all so much. Won’t you let me live so I can love all of you?” the Megastar asked.

The Ristar handed me a jar and I trapped the Megastar in the jar. The jar was nearly indestructible so Megastar couldn’t escape. We then brought the Megastar back to our mothership. In the mothership, I placed the Megastar in a toilet and stomped on it. The Megastar then let out a sigh and died.

The Megastar is killed now. The universe is safe. All of the gods are safe. I thanked the allied aliens that helped us, and the captain gave me a handshake. Then, the allied aliens flew away in their spaceships. Now it’s only a matter of getting back home.

Published Dec. 30th, 2021