The Unnamed Protagonist


Ujjain, India, December 2nd, 2001. I was held captive at a Dairy Queen against my will. I was forced to chew grass where I would vomit it afterwards as cud for the cows at the Dairy Queen to eat. I tried asking if I could leave but I was only told that I had to solve a puzzle and that the clues were in my giant holding cell. The holding cell I was in was the size of a warehouse. Given that the holding cell I was in is so big, it will take a long time to find the clues.

I looked around my holding cell. There were structures made out of plywood everywhere. The holding cell was like a wood village. There were many wood houses everywhere. I started thinking of calling my holding cell “Wood City” because of how much wood there was.

Then, a man with jagged hair approaching me.

“Yo! Wassup?” the man with jagged hair asked.

“Everything is fine except for me being stuck in this holding cell.” I replied.

“Aww shucks man, that sucks. But what helps me is looking for clues to get out!” the man with jagged hair replied.

“But what clues?” I asked.

“Yo man, there’s clues scattered about this house!” the man with jagged hair exclaimed.

I was confused by what the man with jagged hair said so I walked away. The man with jagged hair then started following me around the place. I tried running but the man was way faster than me, so gave up on trying to escape from him. Then, I saw a snake with legs wearing boots running around the place. I then tried chasing the snake.

The snake was extremely agile. I could barely chase the snake at all. Then, it lost one of its boots and tripped on the floor. I caught up with the snake quickly.

“Yo man, you have any clues for us?” the man with jagged hair asked the snake.

“No, I don’t, but do you?” the snake replied.

“We haven’t a single clue.” I replied.

“Well, darn.” said the snake.

The snake then talked me into letting it join my search for finding the clues. I then had the brilliant idea to search the corners of the holding cell for clues. Along the way to the corners, I found full water bottles scattered about on the floor. I was then walking when I suddenly slipped on a bag of jellybeans. I heard “Haha, you suck” in a voice I had heard a few times before. I shook my head in confusion and continued to look for clues.

At the corner of the holding cell, I found a whole bunch of cactus needles. The needles were very sharp looking, sharper than any cactus I had ever seen. I then took some of the needles with me for self-defense just in case. I then encountered a large mean dog. Luckily, I had grabbed some of the cactus needles.

As the dog tried biting me, I poked it in the eyes with the cactus needles. I didn’t stick the needle through the dog’s eye, but I poked the dog’s eyes just enough to get the message across. The dog then ran away from me and was barking out of anger.

“You done that doggy darn downplayed.” the man with jagged hair said.

I was entirely confused as to what the man with jagged hair was talking about. I assumed he was talking about how I warded that dog off so easily with the cactus needles. I was thankful for the cactus needles that sat in the corner. I then went back to grab some more cactus needles just in case the mean dog comes back again. I then started feeling thirsty.

I went over to the water bottles I had found earlier and started drinking them. Without a moment’s notice, a shark wearing jeans came running out of one of the buildings screaming “fire”. I ran over inside of the building, water bottle in hand, ready to put out the fire.

Inside the building, I was met with no fire.

“Haha, I was just joking with ya.” said the shark.

“Why did you scare me like that?” I asked the shark.

“Well, I heard you were looking for clues, so I needed to get your attention.” the shark replied.

“How did you know I was looking for clues?” I asked the shark.

“I’m a guard at this dairy queen. I heard you were looking for clues because the security cameras in this cell didn’t show you eating any grass and it picked up audio of people asking for clues.” the shark replied.

“Oh, well, I think I found a clue.” I replied.

“Oh, show me it then.” the shark replied.

I pulled a cactus needle out of my pocket and showed it to the shark.

“You only need one more clue.” the shark said.

“Well, I don’t know what else to look for.” I replied.

Suddenly, the shark punched me in the gut hard and I puked water.

“That’s your last clue. Now put the words together to get the magic word that will break you free.” the shark said.

“Cactus water?” I said, confused.

“Bingo!” the shark replied.

Suddenly, the holding cell’s doors were open for me to leave. I’m finally free from the Dairy Queen.

Published Jan. 1st, 2022