The Unnamed Protagonist


Ise, Japan, April 14th, 2004. I had to complete a programming project by tonight. Right now, is dawn, so I have the rest of today to complete it. My plan is to enlist the god of programming to help me complete the program by tonight. The programming language I have to write in is LUA. LUA is an easy programming language to learn but what I’m writing takes a lot of experience to figure out and a whole lot more time to complete. If I get ahold of the god of programming, I will get the program done before tonight. I have actually been procrastinating on the program for months now, only come to realize the due date is tonight.

My first step to finding the god of programming was by going to his domain: the local library. I’m lucky that the library is close by. I then got out of my house and started walking out of the driveway. I saw an open drain, so I decided to look down at it, then suddenly, I was pushed down into the drain.

The sewer was full of leaves and bats. The bats tried biting me, but I burned them to crisps. I then decided to eat the bats I burned because I was hungry. I had salt in my backpack, so I sprinkled it on the bat meat I ate. The bat tasted great because I cooked them just right with my pyrokinesis. Then, I continued to walk through the sewer. I knew I could navigate myself to the local library through the sewers, climbing out of the toilet once I get to the library.

I then continued to walk. I saw a green bees nest. I tried opening the nest because I was eager to see what kind of honey was in the hive. The bees came swarming at me but I burned them with my fire breath. I did not get stung at all. I then split the beehive open to reveal a whole bunch of green honey. Using my finger, grabbed a glob of honey and ate it. The green honey tasted like like and it was delicious and sugary. I then put the dead beehive in my backpack and saved it for later.

I walked down the sewers some more when I saw a McDonald’s. “Why is a McDonald’s down here?” I asked myself. I decided to digress from that question and walked into the McDonald’s.

“Hello! How may I help you?” the only worker asked.

“I’d like two Big Macs please.” I replied.

“Coming right up!” the only worker said as she jumped in joy.

I then waited for an hour, still no food. I decided to walk into the kitchen and see what was going on. The woman was sitting there, being attacked by a bear. I then threw the beehive I took out the window. The bear instantly chased the beehive. The beehive grew legs and ran away from the bear.

“Oh, thank you so much.” the McDonald’s worker said.

“You’re welcome. Now get to making those Big Macs!” I replied.

“They’ll be on the house for saving me!” the McDonald’s worker exclaimed.

I then waited for five minutes. I then saw the McDonald’s worker bring me my two Big Macs. I then started eating very fast because I was hungry. The bats from earlier did not fill my stomach up as much as I wanted them to.

“Yummy. Thank you very much!” I exclaimed.

“You’re welcome!” exclaimed the McDonald’s worker.

I wiped my mouth off and left the McDonald’s.

Outside of the McDonald’s was a long corridor. Across the way, I saw a ladder that went up to somewhere. I then started walking towards it, ignoring everything around me. Then, a walking crown of teeth bit me on the nose after it jumped up. I tried ignoring it biting me but eventually I kicked it over to the wall and it shattered to pieces. I then continued walking over to the ladder.

At the ladder, there was a bulldog guarding the way up. I tried scaring the bulldog but it wouldn’t budge. I then pulled out the last wick of honey I had left in my backpack and let the bulldog eat it. After serving the honey to the bulldog, it immediately moved out the way. I was now free to climb up the ladder.

The ladder led to the toilet hole in the library’s restroom. I climbed out of the toilet and was now in the restroom of the library. I then exited the restroom.

There I saw him, the god of programming. The god of programming was sitting at one of the computers, minding his own business. I then walked up and tapped the god of programming on the shoulder.

“Hey, mind helping a god with a programming project?” I asked.

The god of programming turned around, startled. The god of programming them started asking me questions about the programming project in question. The moment I gave the last detail about the programming project, the god of programming started writing code for it fast.

“Would you like it on a flash drive or over email?” the god of programming asked.

“Email please.” I replied.

I then got back home and opened my email. There it was, the programming project, sitting in my email. I then submitted the project.

Published Jan. 1st, 2022